WHEN POLAR BEARS ATTACK… YOU!

FACT: POLAR BEARS WILL FUCK YOU UP.

Elves, who live at the North Pole, know this fact—they
chant it, they live it, they breathe it, and, when
they are inevitably and brutally slaughtered by a polar bear, they
bleed it. But here in fancy-pants America, that fact is easy to
forget: Thanks to stupid Coca-Cola commercials and fruity kids’ books
about golden compasses and shit, Americans think polar bears are
cuddly, friendly, even soft. Well, Poindexter, think about this the next time you’re getting a hard-on about how adorable polar bears
are: Polar bears’ “fur” is made not of fur, but of razor-sharp
shards of frosted glass. Polar bears’ knife-like incisors are built not
for opening bottles of Coca-Cola, but for repeatedly thrusting in and
out of your eye sockets. With a mighty swat of a massive paw, a polar
bear can swat aside a tank as if the tank wasn’t even a real tank but
just one of those plastic toy tanks you’d buy your illegitimate son as
a last-minute birthday present or something.

This is science™, and those are facts, and
before your attention span-challenged mind gets distracted by some
silly, irrelevant concern like this so-called “swine flu,” I recommend
you take notice of what’s really important. Which is to say,
polar bears. And their intention to kill you. So sit up straight and
pay attention, motherfucker.

PART I: THEY’RE COMIN’ TO AMERICA

I’m gonna give you another fact now, because (A) I’m feeling
generous, and (B) the Mercury pays its writers by the word. So
here: Global warming is real.

Yes, reader: While hippies are usually wrong about everything,
it’s a science™tific fact that global warming is melting the
North Pole. While this has some advantages (burn, little shithead
elves, burn), it also means that soon, polar bears shall be
driven from their frozen climes and forced to migrate to
Portland—where they will begin overturning garbage cans, stomping
on our flowerbeds, breaking our windows, defecating on our sidewalks,
eating our toddlers, and raping our women and some eager men. Here is
how you can try to protect yourself—though the best course of
action, as always, is to just give up.

PART II: THE WHITE MENACE

Commonly known as “the white menace,” “the albino grizzly,” “Ol’ Man
Bitey,” and “the polar bear,” the polar bear is a terrible, merciless
beast. The creature was first discovered in 1984 in the Detroit Zoo by
the late Sir Edmund Forsythe, who described the encounter in his
diary:

“—and I gaze’d uponne his Fright-full Countenance with a
frigiditie in mine Heart I had knowne not since mine sighting of the
Monster of the Loch Nesse, or mine attendance at the moving-picture
programme Alien3. The bottome-less eyes of this Albino Grizzlie
smolder’d with the verie Flames of Hades, whilst its blood-soaked maw
seductivelie beckon’d mine soule, as if t’were Medusa’s glist’ning
vulva….”

What can we learn from this? First, only sissies keep diaries.
Second, did you even notice I said “the late” Sir Edmund
Forsythe up there? (I bet you didn’t.) Well, I put that in there
because Forsythe is fucking dead, FYI. And how do you think he
died? He was eaten by a fucking polar bear because instead of
running the fuck away when he saw it, he sat there doodling in his
diary, probably drawing unicorns in the margins and dotting his “i”s
with little hearts. The moral of this paragraph is that you should
take this shit seriously, because otherwise, I don’t even know why I’m
wasting my goddamn time.

PART III: THE CUNNING RUSE OF THE POLAR BEAR

Despite what “reporters” at other “newspapers” claim, never let it
be said that I don’t “research stuff.” I do all sorts of things (and
all sorts of people), and “research” is one of those things. For
example, here are some words that came up when I Googled “polar + bear
+ attacks!”

• VIDEO: “a stupid woman gets too close to a polar bear cage and it
grabs her. WARNING! GRAPHIC DETAIL.”

• “Polar bear attacks ring seal… guess who wins?”

• “Polar bear attacks woman at Berlin Zoo”

• “Baby Polar Bear | Funny Picture | Baby Polar Bear Attack”

I didn’t bother going to any of those sites, but my research still
teaches us several things: that polar bears like to attack our women;
that the only creature who might possibly defeat a polar bear is a
“ring seal” (whatever the fuck that is); and sometimes, polar bears
will upload pictures of their young onto the internet as a way to lure
our women into death traps or identity theft schemes.

I found something else on the internet, too! On arcticwebsite.com—which, based on
the URL alone, is an authoritative site—a brave soul named Jack
L. McSherry III writes, “The polar bear is the most deadly of all
[bears]. While his normal food is seal, they have been known, for
centuries, to attack humans. Until the introduction of firearms, the
native people of the north [Elves.—Ed.] have lived in fear
of them. Many early explorers have told horror stories of polar bear
attacks. These bears are known to stalk and hunt humans. If you are in
polar bear country carry a firearm or avoid the area.”

So clearly, we all need guns, because I’ll be goddamned if I’m
giving up my apartment. I just got a kickass new duvet cover and some
throw pillo—WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK? “STALK AND HUNT HUMANS”? Wow.
You guys are totally boned. And not in the good way.

PART IV: SO YOU’RE SAYING WE’RE SCREWED?

Well, if you look closely, you’ll see I used the word “boned,” but
yeah, sure, I guess that’s one interpretation of what I’m saying. Here
are some futile steps you can take to delude yourself into thinking you
have a chance of surviving a meeting with Ol’ Man Bitey:

1) Kill that polar bear at the Oregon Zoo. Then put his head on a
spike, and put the spike at the foot of the Interstate Bridge. (On
our side of the bridge, mind you. The polar bears can have
Vancouver, because eff that place.)

2) If he won’t stop crying, apologize to the Oregon zookeeper. Then
tell him maybe he should suck it up or write his feelings down in his
Lisa Frank diary or something.

3) Buy more guns.

4) Also, will somebody buy me a gun? For various legal reasons [see “I
Hunt the Giant Man-Ape: Another Thrilling True-Life Adventure Starring
Erik Henriksen, Sasquatch Slayer,” Portland Mercury, Sept 11,
2003], I’m no longer “legally allowed” to purchase one.

5) No? Well, fuck you too. Because guess who just eBayed a
motherfuckin’ samurai sword, asshole?

6) And a machete?

PART V: SO WHAT CAN I DO?

First, you unhelpful, ungrateful bastard, you can expect me to
righteously fuck your shit up with my samurai sword. Second, when
you’ve seen as many polar bear attacks as I have, you’ll notice several
consistencies. Analyzing these trends can help us predict how, exactly,
polar bears will kill you.

a) Once a polar bear tastes human flesh, that is all it will ever eat.
Like the sensual, alluring vampire Edward Cullen, it will thirst for it. So if you get a cut, put a Band-Aid on it! (Also, avoid women
who are having “monthly troubles,” for the Devil is in them, and polar
bears are but Beelzebub’s bleached minions.)

b) Polar bears attack mostly during the night, but sometimes during the
day. Also at daybreak and twilight. Avoid these parts of the day.

c) Polar bears always attack without warning. So if you see one about
to attack you, trick it into giving you a warning! If you succeed, the
polar bear, ashamed, will retreat. Like the mighty samurai or the
admirable Klingon, polar bears are creatures of honor, and will not
betray their warriors’ code. Unless they are hungry.

d) You can try wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’.

e) And plannin’ and dreamin’.

PART VI: THE MOST IMPORTANT PART

I don’t got anything else to tell you. But like I said, this rag
pays by the word, so I’m
gonna use up every last fuckin’ bit of spa