Self-protection is always smart! And what better way to protect oneself against sexual assault than with the following self-defense video from the ’80s? Learn how to:
Poke a rapist’s tomato out!
Shove around a dorky kid in his pajamas.
Rub excrement on your arms.
Bite off your assailant’s cucumber.
Listen to the most awesome “Rapist Beware” song of all time!
And always remember: “Don’t think that you can’t—KNOW that you can’t!”

Thank you, Everything is Terrible.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

One reply on “The Most Important Self-Defense Video You Will Ever See”

  1. I have no experience in trying to bite off a dick (thank goodness) but I would think that it would be very hard, No pun intended. Unless you have sharpened your teeth, I suppose.

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