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A 400 pound sturgeon, caught in 1947.
A 400 pound sturgeon, caught in 1947. Reg Speller/Fox Photos/Getty Images

Good Afternoon, Portland! Although it is hailing while I write this, the sun will, no doubt shine upon your read of it. Keep your rain jacket on a swivel and bring a change of socks, HERE'S THE NEWS!

• About that hail... it might snow again tonight! In anticipation of that, Multnomah County will open three severe weather shelters tonight at 8 pm. It's free to ride Trimet to and from a shelter, starting at 6 pm. Those with further transportation needs can call 2-1-1 to arrange a free ride.

• After two years in COVID hibernation, Pickathon released its 2022 lineup for this year's early August festival. Headliners like indie Built to Spill, Armand Hammer, and Valerie June signal a continuance of Pickathon's deft curation across musical genres.

• Stop what you're doing and lower your sturgeon! The Oregon Health Authority (OHA) has advised the public to limit its consumption of the ancient and powerful fish—if it was caught in the lower Columbia River—due to a Washington Department of Health advisory about polychlorinated biphenyls (or PCBs) contamination in the delicious fish flesh.

• In today's Savage Love Column: "Am I overreacting that not everyone at a 20+ person hotel takeover sex party plans to get tested after a gonorrhea outbreak?"


• In an attempt to alleviate the pinch US residents are feeling at the gas pump, President Joe Biden announced that the Environmental Protection Agency will issue an emergency waiver permitting year-round sales of ethanol biofuel E15. Generally biofuel sales are outlawed during summer months because it negatively impacts air quality. But sure, keep driving your car.

• Drink in those images of Ukrainians shopping and moving freely in their city streets because Russian President Vladimir Putin said today, during a rare public appearance in eastern Russia, that the invasion was going as planned. He vowed to continue it and claimed peace talks had reached a dead end. Then he told Reuters that negotiations were difficult but continuing. He also called the reports of atrocities in Bucha "fake."

• We bid goodnight to an unparalleled scratchy voice and charmingly cranky comedic spirit. Gilbert Gottfried—who probably never imagined his Disney's Aladdin parrot character would resonate through so many childhoods as his best known work—has died at age 67, due to complications from muscular dystrophy.

• AHOY THERE, STONERS! The SPLIFF Film Festival—featuring short, hilarious, trippy, and thoughtful mini-movies about cannabis and made by stoners just like YOU—is coming to Revolution Hall for one night only on Saturday, April 16! GET THOSE TICKETS NOW! (And speaking of the munchies, your favorite week of the year is almost here: It’s the Mercury’s PIZZA WEEK featuring $3 specialty slices at 28 locations across the Portland area, starting Monday, April 18-24. Eat ’em up!)

• In honor of the snow, in our near past and potential future: