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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Oh crap! I just remembered I forgot about someone on my gift giving list! But because I'm smart, I also just remembered that tickets to the Mercury's upcoming UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY showβ€”featuring the cream of the crop of Portland stand-upsβ€”are the gift giver's pot of gold! Trust me, the show will be freaking hilarious, and you (and I) will be lauded as the most clever, thoughtful gift givers on the planet. And now, allow me to present to you... the gift of NEWS.


β€’ Well shock of shocks, yet ANOTHER grand jury has let a cop off the hook for shooting and killing a member of the public (this one happened in July). But wait, before you scream about abolishing the grand juries, remember that they are required to follow the law, and the law regarding cops shooting people is farrrrr too lax. Please allow Alex Zielinski to explain it to you.

β€’ Reason #4,592 why Wheeler's forced homeless internment camps will never get off the ground:

β€’ The new allegedly speedy TriMet FX2 bus line is pretty speedy... until it's NOT. According to TriMet records the new long bus service experienced "more than 400 notable service disruptions in its first seven weeks" of operation, due to driver shortage, those damn endless trains blocking traffic, and other random delays. But overall, TriMet officials are claiming that when it works, it works well.

β€’ Commish Carmen Rubio has announced a new partnership with Lewis & Clark College to come up with a plan about what to do the five statues that were knocked over during the 2020 racial justice protests. Because there are "valid questions" as to why these monuments were toppled in the first place, public input is an absolutely necessary ingredient to this plan, and Lewis & Clark will be helping to orchestrate it as part of the planning committee. (Cue the screaming, thick dimbulbs of People for Portland and their wealthy benefactors in three... two... one....)

β€’ So is it going to SNOW this week? According to the weather wizards, the greatest possibility of icy/snow accumulations will go down on Thursday afternoon into Fridayβ€”just in time for holiday travel plans! Be prepared to be flexy!


β€’ The January 6th congressional panel has issued its final report, and TOO BAD FOR TRUMP, will be referring four criminal counts (including "assisting an insurrection" and "conspiracy") to the Department of Justice. But wait... it gets better, because while Republican Trump enablers are screaming "foul" and "kangaroo court" over the charges, the panel will be releasing their 160-page executive summary of their investigation within days, which contains buttloads of interviews and documents that will prove their case (and hopefully torpedo the careers of these enablers). Get yer popcorn poppin'! 🍿

β€’ In other "sad trombone" news: Trump wannabe Elon Musk has been keeping unusually silent after his own Twitter poll, asking whether he should remain in charge of the social media platform or not, which garnered millions of votes telling him to GTFO.Β 

β€’ More bad news for another very bad guy: Movie boss/creep Harvey Weinstein has been found GUILTY of one count of rape and two counts of sexual assault in his second criminal trial. Next comes sentencing, and spending up to 60 years (much more than he has left) in prison.

β€’ Title 42, which was approved by Trump and put restrictions on asylum seekers during the pandemic, was supposed to run out this weekβ€”but! Its demise has been at least temporarily halted by the Supreme Court after Republican-led states bitched and moaned to keep the ban in place (for obvious racist reasons). The Supremes are now asking the Biden Administration to produce an argument for allowing it to die a deserved, nasty death, so stay tuned.

β€’ And finally... this NEVER happens in the school pick-up lines I'm in (for obvious reasons)... but I WISH IT DID!! 😭