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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Spotty showers and rain continues through the weekend with highs in the low 50s. SURPRISE, MOTHEREFFERS! Now, ready for another surprise? Here's some NEWS.


•  The battle over whether or not to bring police officers back into schools is heating up, and while local leaders say they're coming up with a plan, there have been scant details so far. IN THE MEANTIME, HOWEVER, the hysterical People for Portland buttholes are back and asking for their gullible followers to write everyone in the world and get them to bring cops back to the schools... even though the practice has been shown to be ineffective at best and wantonly racist at worst. Our Isabella Garcia has all the details.

• Former Mayor Wheeler adviser Sam Adams is doing his damnedest to shut down rumors over why he left his job so abruptly this week. The architect of Portland's mass homeless encampment and criminalization plan said he quit purely for health reasons—and NOT that he was drummed out of the job by Wheeler or his staff for as-of-yet unknown controversies. Here's a grain of salt if you need it. 🧂

• Local grocery chain New Seasons has been hit with charges of "unfair labor practices" by the National Labor Relations Board after the store was accused of meddling during a union election and possibly causing it to fail. The NLRB could force the chain to allow workers to hold another election.

• Our sister wives at The Stranger in Seattle have an interesting/creepy deep dive into new sexual misconduct and assault allegations that have been leveled at rising star/comedian YouTuber Andrew Callaghan (currently hosting the popular HBO Max documentary This Places Rules) and who's from the Pacific Northwest.

• It's the welcome return of the Portland EcoFilm Festival, which kicks off this weekend, at the Hollywood Theatre. Like the previous two years, the films will be presented across months—rather than a single week. Want a taste of what you might see? Chase Hutchinson has the details.


• The Republican Revenge Squad House Judiciary Committee has launched their own investigation into the small number of classified documents found in Biden's old office and garage. The panel is being led by Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Liar) who is demanding all the information and communications on the subject from the Justice Department be delivered to him forthwith, so he will look like he's actually doing something instead of just fruitlessly masturbating.

• The nation could hit the dreaded debt limit next week, according to Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, who warns of "catastrophic" consequences to the economy if Congress doesn't act quickly. Republican leadership responded by fruitlessly masturbating.

• Very much related: The Republican-led Missouri House of Representatives voted in favor of tightening up its dress code for women—but not men, of course—and its female members will now be banned from showing... *checks notes, still can't fucking believe it*... bare arms.

• In RIP news: Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis, is expected to be buried next week at Graceland. Also dead, Robbie Knievel (son of daredevil Evel Knievel), and Robbie Bachman of your grandpop's favorite '70s band, Bachman-Turner Overdrive. 

• And finally... do not not miss this "Bad Lip Reading" masterpiece!