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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! You're all looking like you recently cried due to the unexpected death of a beloved celebrity who felt like more than just a celebrity to many of us. Same, girl. Alas, we will not be able to spend the day weeping while staring at the pouring rain, because the weather today will be extremely nice. Hey, ever mourned in the sunshine? Today's your day!
In Local News:
- If you haven't yet read Abe Asher's piece about Oregon's Pride celebrations and the nasty pieces o' poo who tried their hardest to fuck them up, you should definitely fix that right away. My heart is with everyone who is still here, still queer. It's so weird that this makes other people mad.
As cities across Oregon continue to celebrate Pride this year, they find themselves doing so at an ominous time for many in the LGBTQ+ community. https://t.co/o12aPVFKcS— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) July 31, 2023
- Wolves are returning to Coastal Oregon! They were eradicated from the area in 1920 but have started to check it out again. The Statesman Journal points out that the wolves are doing so "quietly" which makes me worry that they're just gonna pounce on me next time I'm getting a corndog from the Pronto Pup in Rockaway. But what a majestic way to go.
- Speaking of surviving against all odds and overcoming tremendous hostile development, several dam removal projects are on the horizon and Oregon tribes are planning their return to ancestral fishing areas and practices.
- If you need to gas up your ride but don't know how because you were raised in Oregon, better fill up soon; self-service gas stations go into effect on Friday.
- Former Home Improvement star Zachery Ty Bryan was arrested again in Lane County, this time for felony assault and robbery and misdemeanor harassment. Last time it was related to domestic violence. It's hard to make a joke about this because it's pretty upsetting and sad but also because many of the gags from Home Improvement don't translate well to the written word. I guess my writing needs...more power. (I am so, so sorry.)
- Take caution in the water north of the St. John's bridge! There could be cyanotoxins that are icky for all humans but potentially fatal for kids and dogs. You can still use a kayak or canoe on the river, but keep your power boat at home, for now!
Gather 'round, trash pandas!🦝 @ElinorJoneser has the latest gossip and hot takes to help you navigate life! In this week's TRASH REPORT: how to feel about Mitch McConnell, Polly Pocket movie rumors, UFO truths, and where the hell is Brad Pitt?! https://t.co/KsfBT8XR0o— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) July 31, 2023
- One time during my wild younger days I broke up with someone via text message (this was still novel at the time) and then a few days later I was at Holman's and the dude happened to show up. I was trying to whisper to a friend that this was the guy I dumped via text message and the friend basically shouted "you dumped that guy right there via text message?" and a record scratched and everybody stared at me. My point is that everybody has a dirtbaggy Holman's story, and I'm so overjoyed it is reopening.
In National/World News:
- Some geniuses think that Trump might be running for office again just to get money to pay his lawyers to defend him from all the crimes he committed. "Never expected that!" said literally everyone on Opposite Day.
- There are now the fewest amount of available jobs in the US since 2021, and because more people have jobs and more people have money, inflation is rising and money is worth less? The economy is truly the dumbest, you guys.
- Sorry to have bragged about our current weather earlier when much of the country is baking, especially Arizonans, who just closed out the hottest July ever. Their streak of 110+ degree days ended yesterday, when it topped out at just 108. And state rescuers are busier than ever picking up hikers who regretted their decisions to go outside when merely falling on the ground could burn your skin. Cacti - plants evolved over millions of years to thrive in hot, dry sun - are dying in the heat, yet people are still going hiking. If you wondered why I'm always suspicious of hikers.
- A new Illinois law will allow non-citizens to serve as police officers, leading to "mixed reactions." What's the concern here, that there will be too many country's flags with a tacky blue stripe drawn across the middle? I mean, yeah, I guess I can see that.
- CNN just released findings from a new poll that the majority of Americans who are already middle-income are expecting their wealth to continue growing. Hard samesies. The next scratch-it will change everything, I just know it.
- China is perfecting the art of disappearing someone like the family of Michael J. Fox in that photo in Back to the Future as they slowly wipe the internet of traces of former foreign minister Qin Gang. Also in China, a conspiracy is spreading via social media that the sun bears at the zoo are just people in costumes. China: an interesting place!
- A mysterious cylinder washed up on the beach in Australia is confirmed to be debris from an Indian space project. Meanwhile in Malibu, a different mysterious cylinder washed up on the beach and it was confirmed to be a barrel with a dead man inside. Stay cautious of mysterious cylinders out there, friends!
- As alluded to at the top, my heart is heavy with the loss of Paul Reubens, the actor behind the character Pee-wee Herman. There are a handful of icons for children who watched TV in the late 80s, but there was one God, and it was him. I wish he had not died before his time, and I'm sorry for anyone whose life is cut short by cancer. It's been beautiful seeing tributes flooding from everyone who knew him, confirming he was an excellent human. There's comfort in knowing that the ones we liked are good.
Visitors have asked daily about the basement at the Alamo thanks to the 1985 movie “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.” We're grateful for Paul Reubens' unforgettable contribution to pop culture. There is no basement in the Alamo Church, but there is one under our gift shop! Rest in peace. pic.twitter.com/nXeph9SnoF— The Alamo (@OfficialAlamo) July 31, 2023
Have a great Tuesday!