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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Today’s high is a whopping 59 degrees with scattered showers. In other words, welcome to the jungle! 

In LOCAL NEWS:

  • There's a lot to see and do in Portland, including performance art that drops dancers in jumpsuits against a planetarium backdrop, blending dance, music, and the visuals "into bright and colorful memory paste." Check out Robert Ham's takeaways from last weekend's performance of when we were Ocean by local arts group ProLab Dance, hosted at OMSI’s Kendall Planetarium.
  • It’s Sandwich Week! It’s one of the glorious weeks where we’ve teamed up with a bevy of local restaurants to craft delicious, creative sandos to feed you for just $8!
  • While you're feelin' sexy with your sandwich, hop on and take our latest sex survey! Yes, the outlet that brings you snappy, smart takes on the news also wants to TALK ABOUT SEX! WITH YOU! .  
     
     
     
     
     
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  • A man who snapped the branches off several trees downtown outside the federal courthouse caused an estimated $7,000 in damage and may have killed eight trees, the Oregonian reports. Toan V. Tran, 47, was identified on surveillance footage and eventually arrested for damaging several trees outside the Mark O. Hatfield US Courthouse. Court documents describe Tran as unhoused, and it's unclear what his motive was.
  • Former University of Oregon basketball player Sabrina Ionescu can shoot. She was a standout star while playing as a guard for her college basketball team at UO, but now, after graduating and moving on to play for the New York Liberty in the WNBA, Ionescu is still the GOAT. Last weekend, she went toe-to-toe with NBA star Stephen Curry in an NBA vs. WNBA 3-point challenge game and lost by just…three points. Her score of 26 tied another Oregon basketball legend, Damian Lillard, who set the 3-point contest record earlier that night.

In NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

  • Kid Rock’s home is falling into the ocean. Several outlets have reported the musician’s house was among several in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Florida, that recently got hit by erosion. Last weekend, real estate reporting site the Real Deal noted the celebrity’s home on Ocean Drive lost a stairway to the beach “and part of his back deck washed away with the erosion.” Jupiter Inlet Colony is in Palm Beach County–part of the Miami metro area. Maybe he’ll have to move and become your new neighbor!
  • In more news about trash people, former New York lawmaker George Santos is suing Jimmy Kimmel. In what can only be described as evidence of Santos’s naivety, the disgraced politician says Kimmel paid him to make a series of Cameo videos that were later used to poke fun at Santos. Santos didn’t know the comedian and late-night show host would use the videos for satire. Santos, who was expelled from the US House of Representatives last year for fraud after stealing from his campaign donors, is suing Kimmel, ABC and Walt Disney Co. for alleged copyright infringement, fraudulent inducement, breach of contract and unjust enrichment, the Associated Press reports.
  • The World Health Organization is evacuating patients from the Nasser hospital, which is Gaza’s second-largest health care facility, after the hospital stopped functioning last week on the hells of “a week-long Israeli siege followed by a raid,” Reuters reports. So far, 32 critical patients have been removed, including children and some who are paralyzed, but the WHO is worried about  another 150 patients still at Nasser, while bombing continues and supplies are vanishing.
  • And finally, since we’re on a role with bizarre but noteworthy news, John Oliver, host of HBO’s “Last Week Tonight With John Oliver,” just made Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas an offer he shouldn’t refuse (unlike all those other offers from billionaire Harlan Crow, which he never refuses!)

 In a move that Oliver says is shockingly legal, Oliver is offering Thomas $1 million a year and a brand new, luxury touring motorhome if Thomas resigns from the Supreme Court. Oliver closed his show Sunday night by informing Thomas he has “exactly 30 days from midnight tonight to make your resignation effective.”

“We know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now, from stripping away women’s rights, to hearing January 6 cases you definitely shouldn’t be hearing, to potentially helping roll back decades of federal regulations and you deserve a break…”

Do it Clarence. Take the money. By now, we all know you have no aversion to accepting lavish gifts, and at this point, you’d be giving yourself a better retirement than SCOTUS ever could.