This time of year, we're inundated by MONEY REQUESTS from people we like, groups we consider noble, asshats who don't remember they bullied us in grade school, and organizations where we're like... wait... what DO YOU DO?—maybe I even asked you for money. DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU, but if you appreciate the Mercury's interesting and useful news & culture reporting, consider making a small monthly contribution to support our editorial team.

GOod MOrning, PortlAnd: Last night was the Mercury holiDaye ParTy. It was very loud and involved many fine people—who previously only knew one another from the internet—shouting "Oh, that's you? I love that!" about each other's work. Now let's spread some news over this truly vociferous hangover.

IN LOCAL NEWS:
• Today's top story is tiny lights—as seen by airplane pilots flying over Oregon last weekend. Multiple pilots described red, circular lights "zipping" and "moving at extreme speeds" in the night sky. A scientist who looked into a similar incident in 2022, told KGW that the lights appear “to be Starlink satellites, most likely”—though I have seen Starlink, and they don't exactly zip. Seems like this could be related to some national stories coming out about "dozens of drones" flying over New Jersey and other cities. Which leads me to ask: Is this just the Johansson kid from down the street? With drones, it could always be that dang Johansson kid; he's lost ten of those things in the river, I swear to god...

• If you are headed to the Oregon Coast, or reading from the Oregon Coast, please be advised that king tides are incoming until around December 15, according to a forecast from the Oregon King Tides Project. A report from KOIN explains: "During a king tide, ocean tides can surpass their highest daily averages by six inches or more. These tides can cause coastal flooding and hazardous beach conditions. When combined with storms or sneaker waves, king tides can be especially deadly."

• The Portland Trail Blazers' coach said that the team's center Robert Williams III may finally have recovered enough—from a concussion he suffered in November—to play this weekend. Williams has been working through concussion protocol, the Oregonian reports.

• Over a 1,000 people have contributed to preserving Alberta Street bicycle nonprofit Community Cycling Center, raising over $370,000 in just three months. Bike Portland reports that "just two months into his tenure" the center's new executive director Ruben Alvarado realized that the nonprofit faced a dire situation and needed to "raise $350,000 in less than four months to stave off a financial crisis, or be forced to close the beloved Portland institution that has provided bicycles and education programs to northeast Portland for over three decades."

• You may remember from a recent Good Morning, News that Multnomah County's conditions for opening emergency warming shelters are that one of the three conditions must be met—the temperature must at or below 25 degrees Fahrenheit, forecasted snow accumulation is of an inch or more, or the forecast for temperature is freezing (32 degrees) with an inch or more of driving rain. Well, who is showing Portland up by comparison? It's motherfucking Vancouver, WA because she just opened two more winter shelters—in the Vancouver arts hub building and Chkalov building—and plans to keep them open through MARCH. BOOM! SERVED. Like, a population of vulnerable people and the county. Just positively served a hot meal. 

• Speaking of a hot meal, tell us about your sex life! Come on, you love this. Millennials love a quiz so much it may as well be a fetish. The "absolutely smoking-hot, annual Mercury SEX SURVEY" went live yesterday, and while Wm. Steven Humphrey wrote the darn thing, copyediting it led to some truly lol-worthy moments like:
"Should there be a comma before the 'and' in 'someone fingers you and that’s it?'"
"Hand job is two words, according to Merriam-Webster."
"In the masturbate Q, are 'Twice a week or more' and 'Every damn day' the same?"

• In noteworthy local music news, Ural Thomas of Ural Thomas and the Pain is about to turn 85! Of course he's playing his own birthday party and we have details on that. Also, esteemed Portland-based emcee Cool Nutz put together a two-day Christmas-themed hip-hop showcase at Alberta Street Pub next weekend—and he's calling it Festivale Cool Nutz. Honestly, you had me at Festivale Cool Nutz. Read more in this week's music column Hear in Portland.

• Smash and grab burglaries are so destabilizing to small businesses, and we hear about them quite often these days. We appreciate that businesses are able to use social media to communicate with their customers, and it's even better when they can showcase cool snapbacks, like the one below from Multnomah Boulevard bottle shop John's Marketplace. My compliments to Griz.

• Every Friday, concert tickets drop into the waiting hands of the public—good or bad, mid or nah. This week you can find shows like Elvis Costello and the Imposters, Kraftwerk, and... Creed 😅.

IN NATIONAL / INTERNATIONAL NEWS:
• Thank you for meeting me over here in National / International News. You're not in trouble, I think.

• Today in "ha ha hah ha... fuckk" the New York Times reports that a lawyer "helping Robert F. Kennedy Jr. pick federal health officials for the incoming Trump administration has petitioned the government to revoke its approval of the polio vaccine." 😑 In all seriousness, if these guys want it so badly, can we please just hook them up with some polio?

• Big ol' mug / tumbler producer Stanley is calling about 2.6 million of its products back home, citing an issue with the lids. NPR reports that the lids on its Switchback and Trigger Action travel mugs might shrink when exposed to heat and spill hot liquid all over you. Apparently, if you own such a mug you can contact the company for a free replacement lid.

• This week the Biden administration finalized a rule that sought to limit the overdraft fees your bank can charge—saying banks could still charge a $5 flat fee or "a fee that covers their costs and losses, or they may charge any fee so long as they disclose the terms of the overdraft loan the way they would for any other loan, typically expressed as an annual percentage rate, or APR." Lots of room there. Associated Press reports that "some banks and banking trade groups are suing" in response. So. We probably won't be getting that. Might want to find out if your bank is part of Consumer Bankers Association, American Bankers Association, America’s Credit Unions, and/or Mississippi Bankers Association, and if so, GTFO.

• "Dick Van Dyke Coldplay Why" is what we were searching yesterday when the sentimental portion of our timeline lost their shit over Coldplay’s latest music video, “All My Love.” Yes, Dick Van Dyke is 99 years old. And yes, he's a figure so beloved that he was once saved by a pod of porpoises; it must be his vibes. No one is here to argue that we don't like Mary Tyler Moore's television husband—we do. But what are we meant to take from this sentimental tripe? Why is Mr Van Dyke shown dancing in slow motion? What would showing him in realtime betray? Is there anything I hate more than still images interspersing video, sans meaning, and harkening to senior-year collage work? Yes, but I also hate this. "All My Love" was directed by Spike Jonze and Mary Wigmore, and Jonze was the director who brought us the music video for Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice," which featured a 58-year-old Christopher Walken dancing through the lobby of what was then the Marriott Hotel in Los Angeles. Like, I understand this piece of culture in a scrapbook made for grandma kind of way or a Stanley tumbler kind of way, but seriously don't show me this shit if you don't want me to make fun of you. (Note: I am saying this in a charming, "money please" kind of way.)

• Anyway, it's about to be the weekend!

 

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