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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND!👋

A reminder that if you're in dire need of a good laugh right now, click right here to get your tickets for the 2025 edition of the most hilarious night of the year: the Mercury's UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY! There will be ten (count 'em TEN) of Portland's top stand-up comics on one stage, led by hype man/host extraordinaire Adam Pasi, and super special guest Mohanad Elshieky! And it's all going down on Thursday, March 20. Trust me, after a night of hard belly laughs, how could you not feel better? Now let's get a full belly of NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• This just in: "Greenwashing" STINKS. For those just joining us, "greenwashing" is the practice of pretending your service or product is helping to slow climate change, but it's actually bullshit. And it's enough of a problem that Oregon legislators are proposing Senate Bill 680 which would ban the practice under the state’s Unlawful Trade Practices Act and subject the business to a fine. Climate advocates love the idea, while some businesses? Not so much, unsurprisingly. Our Taylor Griggs has all the details!

When TriMet launched the Safety Response Team in 2021, the agency emphasized it as part of a wider movement to rethink public safety. But some people who have worked for the program question its ethics and effectiveness, noting its close ties to police, and treatment of vulnerable staff members.⁠

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— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) March 6, 2025 at 6:00 PM

• Thanks a judge's court order, the once private Lake Oswego is now open to the public after a 13-year court battle. Once reserved only for the tony waterfront property owners of Lake O, this weekend a group of kayakers—some of whom filed the original lawsuit—took their boats out on the lake for a celebratory paddle. Perhaps unsurprisingly one of the kayakers later discovered their car had been vandalized by, according to a witness, an older lady in a Range Rover who most likely did not like the judge's ruling. The lake's open to EVERYBODY now, Karen—DEAL WITH IT. 😎

• After 66 years, the suspected car of a missing Oregon family—which at the time made national news—is thought to have been discovered in the Columbia River. Divers pulled up a section of the station wagon on Friday that's believed to have contained the bodies of the Martin family who mysteriously disappeared in 1958 while on a trip to get a Christmas tree. Forensic scientists plan on examining the vehicle for clues on how it ended up in the river, so authorities can at long last put the matter to rest.

• Instead of banning drag queens from reading to children at libraries, maybe we should ban kids from attending church? "Former Gresham youth pastor repeatedly sexually abused teenagers, lawsuit says."

• Speaking of people that have no business being around kids: Former Milwaukie police sergeant indicted on charges of possessing child sex abuse material.

Two very different men forge a friendship at a brokerage firm in Idaho, and you say there’s no god?

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— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) March 7, 2025 at 3:36 PM

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Mahmoud Khalil, a Palestinian activist and recent graduate student at Columbia, has been arrested by ICE in an apparent reaction to Trump's orders to detain and deport student protesters. Khalil’s wife, an American citizen who is eight months pregnant, was also threatened with arrest, and is now desperately looking for her husband who, as it turns out, is not at the detention center where ICE says it took him. Currently his whereabouts are unknown. Demonstrators are planning to take over Federal Plaza in New York City today to protest the arrest.

NEWS: Last night, the Department of Homeland Security detained a Palestinian who helped lead the Columbia encampment.

Agents told him his visa was revoked. He said he had a green card. They were confused—then said that was revoked too.

His attorney demanded a warrant. Agents hung up instead.

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— Prem Thakker ツ (@premthakker.bsky.social) March 9, 2025 at 7:43 AM

• In an almost certainly related headline: "Trump administration cancels $400M in grants and contracts with Columbia University."

• Meanwhile Trump's Supreme Court has decided it will hear a Colorado case which will decide whether state and local governments can ban (absolutely horrific) conversion therapy for LGBTQ+ kids, which has been repeatedly proven to a) not work, and b) be harmful to children.

X Goes Down for Second Time as Thousands of Users Report Outage on Elon Musk’s Social Media Platform

variety.com/2025/digital...

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— Variety (@variety.com) March 10, 2025 at 7:12 AM

• Today in the "fuck around and find out" follies: Trump's tariffs—which will almost certainly put the nation's economy in a tailspin—are causing the stock markets to plummet again, after the president refuses to rule out that his stupid plan could lead to a recession. 

• And the "fuck around and find out" follies continue: A Cybertruck driver thought they would be the coolest dude in last week's Mardi Gras pre-parade in New Orleans. Apparently they thought wrong?

@420blazemelup Didn’t go over well #cybertruck #mardigras #asmr ♬ original sound - mel

• Canada has a new prime minister, Mark Carney, who has been chosen as the next leader of the Liberal Party in a landslide vote where he will replace outgoing PM Justin Trudeau. Carney immediately had harsh words for the American president who laughably thinks he'll be able to annex Canada: “America is not Canada. And Canada never, ever, will be part of America in any way, shape or form. We didn’t ask for this fight, but Canadians are always ready when someone else drops the gloves.” HOCKEY REFERENCE!

• And finally... just a reminder that "bitch, you doing a good job." Have a great Monday.

@fuzzbuttspuppets By @Destini Ann #🤣🤣🤣 #💯 #bish #goodjob ♬ Bitch You Doin A Good Job - Destini Ann