MONDAY, JUNE 27
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we were really hoping Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston would be broken up by now. ALAS. "The 35-year-old Night Manager star introduced the 26-year-old singer to his mom Diana on Friday, while visiting her native Suffolk on the east coast of England," reports People, destroying our dreams of having Tom introduce us to his mother in her native Suffolk on the east coast of England. "In photos of the meeting, the trio looked happy, walking arm-in-arm together down the street in the town of Ipswich, about 30 miles from Diana’s hometown," People continues, merrily shitting on our dreams. "They were all smiles on the sunny day, Swift dressed in a chic black jumpsuit and black flats and the Hiddlestons both in jeans and blue tops." Ugh. You know what, dears? To get this out of our head, we’re going to go watch The Night Manager again. The whole thing! Or maybe just the scenes where Tommy isn’t wearing his pants. Perhaps there is some justice in the world.
TUESDAY, JUNE 28
This just in: There is no justice in the world, proven by the fact that world-renowned jackass Justin Bieber is no longer on parole. Faithful One Day readers will, of course, remember The Great Bieber Egging Saga of 2014, in which Li’l Biebles—god this is stupid, we can’t believe we’re about to type this—caused $80,000 in damage by egging his neighbor's house in Calabasas, California. The criminal mastermind failed to get away with it, however, because his neighbor caught him. ("What the hell are you doing?" Bieber’s annoyed neighbor reportedly asked—to which Bieber responded by throwing more eggs. "I see you! I fucking see you!" the neighbor later said, while recording video of Bieber’s egg assault. "Fuck you!" Bieber shouted back. "I got another one for you, actually!" Sigh.) TMZ reports that now—after paying for repairs, doing 40 hours of community service, and serving 23 months of parole—Bieb-Bieb has been released a month early for good behavior. Now our house could be next. MEANWHILE... While Das Biebs has theoretically learned his lesson, apparently that’s too much to expect from Portland’s least-favorite resident, Bullseye Glass. "Bullseye Glass, the company at the center of air pollution concerns in Southeast Portland, faces a $300 fine from the City of Portland for dumping large shards of glass into city sewers," the Oregonian’s Rob Davis wrote yesterday. "The illegal dumping apparently took place in April as the company was promising to clean up its air pollution while facing intense scrutiny from state and federal environmental officials. City inspectors, responding to a citizen complaint in March, found high levels of selenium in the water and sediment in the sewer where Bullseye’s storm water drains. Selenium can be toxic to fish and other aquatic life in high amounts." SO IN COMPARISON... Justin Bieber looks like a great neighbor. Any chance we can send Bullseye to Calabasas and bring Bieber to Southeast Portland? As long as nobody tells him about all those eggs laid by Portland yuppies’ novelty chickens, we should be fine.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29
"Washed-ashore body parts is latest woe for troubled Rio Olympics," notes PBS NewsHour, which goes on to helpfully explain that chunks of "a mutilated corpse" have washed up on the once-beautiful Copacabana Beach—mere meters away from where the Olympics’ beach volleyball events are scheduled to take place! This nauseating kerfuffle is just the latest hiccup for Rio de Janeiro, a city reeling from debt, political turmoil, water pollution (YOU DON’T SAY), and the Zika virus. Jesus, what is it with the bad news this week? We aren’t even halfway through and we already need a break! Where’s that chocolate chip cookie dough we stashed in the fridge last week?
THURSDAY, JUNE 30
There it is! (We hid it in the veggie drawer. Hubby Kip never looks in there. Because he’s an idiot.) Finally, we can forget about this week’s awful news and sit down and eat some—oh, goddammit. "Eating raw dough or batter... could make you, and your kids, sick," the buzzkills at the US Food and Drug Administration have declared, ruining everything by telling us that raw cookie dough can contain E. coli and cause "diarrhea (often bloody) and abdominal cramps." Three things, FDA: (1) NOBODY ASKED YOU. (2) REALLY, NOBODY ASKED YOU. And (3) unless your next announcement is how wrong you were to try to ruin chocolate chip cookie dough—literally one of the only good things on this godforsaken, mutilated-corpse-strewn planet—you’ll shut up and hand us a spoon.
FRIDAY, JULY 1
Good thing we have our cookie dough (STAY OUT OF OUR KITCHEN, FDA) (AND ALSO HUBBY KIP), because this week is one of unrelenting awfulness. We just heard that our favorite Daily Show correspondent, comedian Jessica Williams, is leaving this week. She gave her final report for the fake news show last night, interviewing former Bernie Sanders supporters who have now vowed that they’ll vote for a racist baby carrot dipped in hummus before they’ll support Democratic presidential nominee and reasonable person Hillary Clinton. Those interviews went about as well as you’d expect—even with Williams’ masterful side-eye, they were painful to watch. IN RELATED NEWS... Speaking of things that are painful to watch, Gawker reports that GOP presumptive presidential nominee Donald "Racist Baby Carrot Dipped in Hummus" Trump has been prescribed "cheap speed" by a shady doctor! According to the New York Times, side effects of the drug Trump is allegedly taking include "trouble with thinking, speaking, or walking; decreased ability to exercise; false or unusual sense of well-being; insomnia; nervousness; increase in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance; [and] confusion," which, if true, WHOA, that would explain A LOT.
SATURDAY, JULY 2
Speaking of (less) cheap speed: Today, two men were caught trying to smuggle $11 million in cocaine through New Zealand’s Auckland Airport, according to NBC News! It was the tiny country’s "largest cocaine haul ever" and was found concealed in an 881-pound horse sculpture encrusted in diamantes, which we suppose someone considered "art," although even Hubby Kip, who is an idiot, knows the difference between a diamond and a diamante. (That’s French for cheap-ass rhinestone!) For New Zealand drug-confiscating authorities—who typically seize only 250 grams of cocaine a year—the 35 bricks of California corn flakes were surely an odd surprise. But the real abomination here is clearly that ugly goddamn horse, whose tackiness all but shouts, "NOTHING TO SEE HERE, I’M A WORK OF ART AND DEFINITELY NOT A DRUG MULE MADE OF GLITTER, WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU THAT IDEA!"
SUNDAY, JULY 3
The horrors continue. More than two dozen people had to be hospitalized and others were arrested "in and around" a Kenny Chesney concert in Pittsburgh today, reports the Associated Press. "Public safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler said 57 emergency medical transports were requested by 9 pm Saturday" continues the report, but apparently this isn’t anything new for Mr. Chesney? "A 2013 concert by the country artist in the city drew national headlines after 73 people were arrested and patrons left behind more than 30 tons of trash." Which is only slightly less offensive than that cocaine-smuggling glitter-horse. MEANWHILE... Finally, dears, some good news: The incredibly handsome, effortlessly charming, inexplicably single Cory Booker, junior senator from New Jersey, is no longer playing coy when asked whether he’s in contention to be Hillary Clinton’s vice president! Well, we mean: He is being coy, terribly coy. But according to CBS News, today he finally stopped saying he isn’t among the names being floated around. When CNN anchor Brianna Keilar asked about him being vetted for the job currently held by Joe Biden (America’s Favorite Wisecracking Uncle™), Booker replied, "I’m just referring questions about the vice presidency to the woman who is going to have to make this decision. You should talk to the Clinton campaign. What I do know is that on the Democratic side, there are many fabulous candidates—people that could be really strong vice-presidential candidates." Keilar responded by saying, "That is not a no, sir. That is not a no." And we agree! Cory Booker, dreamboat-in-chief to Clinton’s commander-in-chief: COULD IT BE? We want to believe!
*eats more cookie dough*