MONDAY, AUGUST 8
âAt a rally in Wilmington, North Carolina, just now, Donald Trump seemed to suggest violence as a remedy should Hillary Clinton win the election in November and assume the presidency,â Jack Holmes wrote today at Esquire. But (sorry, Jack) letâs be absolutely clear about what, in fact, happened: Trump didnât seem to suggest violence, he advocated for it, telling his crowd of paranoid gun nuts, âHillary wants to abolishâessentially abolishâthe Second Amendment. By the way, if she gets to pick... her judges, nothing you can do folks. Although the Second Amendment peopleâmaybe there is. I donât know.â This is normally where weâd write âHeavy sigh,â but âvomiting sounds of disgusted panicâ might be more appropriate. Anyway, it wasnât long until the US Secret Service got involved, as they tend to do when people talk about killing a president (or nominee). According to a statement from Secret Service Communications Director Cathy Milhoan, the agency âis aware of Mr. Trumpâs comments.â And thatâs not allâaccording to an official who spoke to CNN, the agency has had âmore than one conversationâ with Trump on the topic. Naturally, Trump called CNN liars, tweeting, âNo such meeting or conversation ever happened.â (Please just ignore our continued, and decidedly unladylike, choking sounds of vomit and disgust.) But if weâre going to Twitter, letâs see what our beloved Senator Elizabeth Warren had to say! â@realDonaldTrump makes death threats,â Warren tweeted, âbecause heâs a pathetic coward who canât handle the fact that heâs losing to a girl.â Couldnât have said it better ourselves, Senator Warren! *daintily dabs vomit from mouth with lace doily*
TUESDAY, AUGUST 9
Speaking of future presidents, weâve noted in previous One Days that Dwayne âThe Rockâ Johnson is mulling a future presidential bid, hopefully with either Elizabeth Warren or Zac Efron as his running mate. And today on Instagram, the world got its first peek into how our charming, handsome President Rock will handle conflictâand, naturally, it involved the term âcandy asses.â âThis is my final week of shooting #FastAndFurious8,â the Rock wrote. âMy female co-stars are always amazing and I love âem. My male co-stars however are a different story. Some conduct themselves as stand-up men and true professionals, while others donât. The ones that donât are too chicken shit to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses.â Naturally, the Rock superfan Hubby Kip was on the case, postulating which of the Rockâs Fast 8 costars the candy ass could be! âWas it Jason Statham?â Hubby Kip wondered, pacing back and forth in the garage and wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat we didnât even know he had. âI canât imagine itâd be Ludacris or Tyreseâthose guys seem super cool. Chances are pretty good itâs Vin Diesel... or maybe Kurt Russell? But no way is Kurt Russell a candy ass! Hmm. Very interesting, very interesting.â Then Hubby Kip tripped over the leaf blower.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10
Okay, so it was Vin Diesel. âOur sources say the Rock and Vin had a meeting on the Atlanta set mid-day Tuesday... partly because tensions were running so high it was almost impossible to shoot scenes,â TMZ reports. âWe do not know if they resolved their issues.â But at least according to the Rock, they... did? Maybe? âYou guys reading this know how much I believe in the idea of TEAM EFFORT,â the Rock wrote on Instagram. âThat means respecting every person, their time and their value.... And like with any teamâthatâs a familyâthereâs gonna be conflict. To me, conflict can be a good thing, when itâs followed by great resolution. And like any family, we get better from it.â Okay, dearsânow picture the Rock saying that not on the set of his dumb movie about exploding cars, but instead from the Oval Office, with Zac Efron and/or Elizabeth Warren standing behind him. Not bad, right? And you know whatâll be even better? When the Rock appoints Vin Diesel as Americaâs first Candy Ass Czar.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 11
Now letâs talk about two people who are definitely not âcandy assesââthe two Simones! African-American Olympians Simone Biles and Simone Manuel are destroying the competition in Rio, and giving hope and encouragement to young black women everywhere. Tonight Manuel became the first African American woman to win an individual event in Olympic swimming, while setting a new record in the womenâs 100-meter freestyle (tying with Canadian Penny Oleksiak). And while we already marveled at the gymnastic talents of Biles, sheâs now officially the best in the world after taking the womenâs individual all-around gold medal. So while we love the Rock, and think a Rock/Warren/Efron ticket would be AMAZE, heâs a bit of a candy ass compared to the Simones. And we bet heâd agree. MEANWHILE... Thereâs talk around Hollyweird about rebooting the Oceanâs 11 franchise with an all-women cast (including Rihanna, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, and more). Soooo... cue the woman-hating he-manâs club on Twitter, who started the new hashtag â#FeministAMovie.â For example: âAll quiet on the kitchen front #FeministAMovie,â from sad little man Ryan Paterson, and âEvery 28 Days #FeministAMovieâ from meathead Dean Davies, whose dire attempts at humor are often used as a smokescreen to compensate for his laughably small penis. Rest assured every woman mentioned in this article would have zero trouble stomping these pathetic candy asses.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 12
Today in âjournalists who give every other journalist in the world a bad nameâ: Married, straight journalist Nico Hines wrote an article for the Daily Beast titled âThe Other Olympic Sport in Rio: Swiping,â in which he posed as a gay man on Grindr and then outed athletes. Unsurprisingly, people hit the fucking roof. While Hines did not reveal the athletesâ actual names, he did specify their chosen sports and countriesâsome of which have lethal laws against homosexuality. Following an outpouring of outrage, editors at the Beast first edited the article to remove pertinent details about the athletes, then later took down the article all together, ended Hinesâ coverage of the Olympics, and apologized. âWe were wrong. Weâre sorry,â wrote the Beast. âToday we did not uphold a deep set of the Daily Beastâs values... specifically being a proudly, steadfastly supportive voice for LGBT people all over the world.â Apology grudgingly accepted, the internet once again chained itself to the front porchâthough continued growling at the Daily Beast for the remainder of the week.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 13
We havenât checked in on the disintegrating relationship of scarf-wearing actor Johnny Depp and soon-to-be-ex-wife Amber Heard for a while, and... OH GOD, WHY DID WE LOOK?!? In the weeks following their separation (and Heardâs accusations that Depp is an abusive, drunken, cell phone-throwing asshole), things have only gotten worse. Yesterday Heard was scheduled to give a court deposition regarding her restraining order against Depp, when the MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE HAPPENED. Just before Heard was to speak to a judge, TMZ revealed a leaked video of Depp abusing a bottle of wine, and drunkenly beating up his kitchen! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? In the video, Deppâmysteriously dressed like deceased NASCAR racer Richard Pettyâslams cabinet doors, kicks the dishwasher, and pours nearly an entire bottle of wine into an impossibly tall glass, while screaming âmotherfuckerâ and âYou wanna see crazy? Iâll show YOU crazy!â The video ends when Depp discovers heâs being recorded on Heardâs computer, which he then treats in the same manner as the poor, abused kitchen dishwasher. Mysteriously missing from the video? DEPPâS MANY SCARVES. (Though they probably filed for emancipation months ago.)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14
More Olympic-sized troubleâthis time for medal-winning swimmer Ryan Lochte, who... well, letâs just come out and say it... isnât the sharpest tool in the pool. According to NBC (and Lochteâs very own mom!), Ryan, along with three other Olympians were robbed at gunpoint in Rio! Lochte claims they were riding in a taxi when multiple guys with police badges pulled them overâbut they werenât cops. âThey pulled out their guns,â Lochte recalled. âThey told the other swimmers to get down on the ground. I refused. I was like, âWe didnât do anything wrongâso Iâm not getting down on the ground.â OH RYAN, YOU BEAUTIFUL, SMOKING HOT DUM-DUMâGET ON THE GROUND!! âAnd then the guy pulled out his gun,â dum-dum Ryan continued, âhe cocked it, put it to my forehead and said, âGet down.â So I was like, âwhatever,â and he took my money.â THE END. (Maybe the Olympics will start giving out gold medals for hot absâRyan certainly wonât get any for brains.)