MONDAY, APRIL 25
Welcome back, dears, to One Day at a Time—the only source of news you need for the rest of the week. (And possibly… your life?) We begin where we left off last week: With Beyoncé’s Lemonade, which is still the best thing that’s ever existed! Well… unless you ask old white guy/British twit Piers Morgan. “The new Beyoncé wants to be seen as a black woman political activist first and foremost, entertainer and musician second,” Morgan scolded, despite no one having asked an old white British guy what he thought. “I still think she’s a wonderful singer and performer, and some of the music on Lemonade is fantastic. But I have to be honest, I preferred the old Beyoncé. The less inflammatory, agitating one.” HOOOOO BOY. Where to begin? Thankfully, we don’t have to, as Mercury contributor Jenni Moore (who reviews Lemonade for us in this very issue) shot back! “Maybe don’t speak on how an artist should or shouldn’t empower the women of her culture. It is not your place,” Moore tweeted, correctly pointing out, “It is 100% Beyoncé’s purpose and prerogative to use her voice and art to inspire her culture. She doesn’t have to always appeal to everyone.” Yep. That about sums it up. Now everybody go read Jenni’s review of Lemonade! We’ll wait.
TUESDAY, APRIL 26
Now that was a good read, right? So good! Anyway, some other stuff happened this week (we guess). Such as… “Kanye West Won’t Watch Porn with the Sound On,” reports the Superficial, who note that on the series finale of Kocktails with Khloé, West reveals, “I’ve never watched porn with the sound on. I lived with my mom in high school, then I lived in my mother-in-law’s [Kris Jenner] house. There’s kids next door and stuff.” Ignoring the fact that Kanye has apparently never heard of headphones, wife Kim Kardashian jumped in. “He probably watches Japanese anime porn,” she added. Yes, Kim. He probably does. Let’s stop talking about this. MOVING ON! “Chris Hemsworth Goes Surfing with His Super Hot, Super Ripped Dad Craig,” reads the orgasmic headline of Us Weekly. Us breathlessly continues, “The father-son duo looked practically the same age from the neck down, showing off their ripped, shirtless bods while exiting the ocean with their boards in tow.” We don’t know whether to be weirded out or… turned on? (Oh, who’re we fooling—there’s like a 95 percent chance we’ll end up with “turned on.”)