And now, the story you’ve been begging to hear, “Barbra Streisand Cloned Her Dog”… right after this quick word about Stormy Daniels’ vagina and Donald Trump’s penis. According to the Washington Post, Stormy’s scandalous affair with Trump was almost revealed days before the 2016 election—because the president’s attorney Michael Cohen screwed up and neglected to send the porn star her hush money. Whoopsy-daisy! Infuriated she didn’t receive the $130,000 she was promised for keeping quiet about the affair (which took place while Trump was married to Melania, soon after their son was born), Stormy informed Cohen that her nondisclosure agreement was “canceled and void,” just in time for Election Day. OH, BOY! Unfortunately, Cohen panicked, paid Stormy her shut-up cash, and this juicy story stayed under wraps until fairly recently, when it became only the fifth most important scandal of that week. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to curl up in a fetal position inside Hubby Kip’s Doomsday Survival Castle, sip 100 martinis, and pray for a quick, painless death.
But first! Who wants to chitty-chat about tonight’s Oscars? That’s right, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Instead, here’s the story we were born to report: “Barbra Streisand Cloned Her Dog!” In a wide-ranging interview with Variety (which no one cared about until she mentioned the dog clone stuff), Babs revealed she was so distraught over the death of Samantha, her 14-year-old Coton de Tulear, she turned to ViaGen, a company that flagrantly defies the laws of nature by creating genetic twins of deceased animals for $50,000 a pop (or in this case, pup). EXPLAIN YOURSELF, BARBRA STREISAND! “It was easier to let [Samantha] go if I knew I could keep some part of her alive,” Babs creepily told the New York Times when they demanded an excuse for this atrocity. Using the dead dog’s cells, ViaGen was able to create two identical Samanthas, which Barbra has named Miss Scarlett and Miss Violet… because, of course. However, Barbra did have one cryptic warning to any potential cloners. “You can clone the look of a dog,” she said ominously, “but you can’t clone the soul.” “What? Oh goddammit,” yelled a furious Donald Trump. “Cancel that order for a Hope Hicks clone. I’ll find somebody else who’ll pretend to like me. (Sniff.)”