And the hits just keep on coming for embattled and clearly corrupt EPA Chief Scott Pruitt! As you recall, Scottie has been dinged in the press for his taxpayer-funded first-class flights, and renting a $50-a-night residence from the wife of an energy lobbyist (nothing suspicious there). However, according to a New York Times article, Scott’s swamp runs deeper than we ever imagined, and lists the many extravagances he’s requested, including but not limited to: Pruitt’s request for a $100,000-a-month unlimited private jet membership; $70,000 to get two new desks, including “a bulletproof model”; an office renovation with a built-in soundproof booth for private conversations (again, nothing suspicious); a request for a bulletproof car equipped with lights and sirens to help get him quickly to the airport or to dinner at his favorite trendy French restaurant, Le Diplomate; and—can we just pause for a moment to remind you we’re not fucking joking about any of this? Okay, thank you. Let’s continue: Pruitt also wanted to triple the size of his security detail to 20 members; and when five EPA officials complained about these out of control taxpayer-funded expenses, they were either suspended or demoted—one was even sent to a far-away office with no other employees, which one agency official described as “an unmarked grave.” DEAR GOD. And yet Scott Pruitt is somehow, inconceivably still employed by the federal government, thanks almost certainly to powerful GOP donors (hi, Koch brothers) who need him to continue rolling back Obama-era environmental regulations. (Meanwhile, we were scolded by Mercury brass for taking too many scented Post-It notes from the supply cabinet. In our defense, they smell delicious.)