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Let’s play “YOU BE THE UNLICENSED DOCTOR” where I describe my current medical malady, and you—as an unlicensed, fairly ignorant armchair physician—try to diagnose my problem! OKAY! HERE ARE THE SYMPTOMS:

I wake up this morning, eat breakfast (Nature’s Best Optimum Power with vanilla soymilk and bananas), and walk into the bathroom where MY RIGHT LEG STARTS TO FEEL WOOZY. Not like it had fallen asleep… more like it was suddenly a bit disassociated from my body and felt like it weighed 100 lbs. There’s no numbness, I can put weight on it, and it doesn’t hurt at all. I rode my bike with no problem, got to work, and yet it still feels really weird! Like I’ve got a bag of loose change in my calf, and when I walk it kind of feels like a wooden leg.

THERE YOU GO. I’ll happily answer questions in the comments about my malady, and in anticipation, here are a few answers for what I’m sure you’ll ask:
1) No, I don’t have AIDS.
2) No, I didn’t do anything very physically taxing yesterday.
3) No, I didn’t saw off someone else’s leg and sew it on to my body.
4) And yes, I do have a scary feeling it might be the onset of leukemia or MS.

NOW… YOU BE THE UNLICENSED DOCTOR!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

36 replies on “You Be the Unlicensed Doctor!”

  3. I have no idea what your condition may be, but I will say THIS IS THE BEST IDEA FOR RECURRING BLOGTOWN POST EVER. Please make this the next “Worst Night Ever,” and let us diagnose whatever’s wrong with a Mercury staffer every week.

  5. I remember from watching Rocky that it’s generally inadvisable to have sex before a physical confrontation, because you’ll have weak legs the next day. I’m sure this is the case.

  8. Sciatica. I’m guessing you carry a wallet in your right rear pocket, right? Get a front pocket wallet or a man purse, and all will be better in a few days.

  9. Wait, you’re asking Mercury readers to diagnose what could be a serious medical condition? … Let me go out on a limb and guess the Mercury doesn’t provide its employees with health insurance.

  11. Actually miguelaron’s post definitely has some possibilities to it… How has you vision been this last month? Have you noticed that some times it’s fuzzier than other times?

  13. I carry my wallet in my front pocket.
    Didn’t drink last night.
    My vision is always fuzzy.
    I probably have a cross between diabeetus and lupus.

  23. Wow – you know I love ya, Steve. But the diagnosis is perfectly clear, and I’m afraid it’s incurable. This is called “being a dramatic bitch.” 🙂

  25. Trench foot? Gout? Peg Leg? Camel toe? Moose knuckles?

    A naturopathic solution is to shove sweat peas in your pocket and keep them there until they begin to molder then run nude laps around the Merc office once every hour until leg feels better.

  27. Strange. I’ve been having the same problems in my left leg this week. But when you succumb to this terminal leg disease, can I have all your stuff?

  31. Is Marjorie Skinner muttering while playing with a little doll and binder clips in her office again ?

    Does the blood pressure match on each limb ?

    Any spider bites on the limb ?

  34. Butt plug cutting off circulation to the femural artery.

    Remove, rinse, give it a day, stay away from the Beiber propaganda…you’ll be strutin’ before the next issue hits the streets.

  35. @El Stunto — You may be onto something there. At his age those parts start growing funny and pinching nerves. Maybe Steve needs his swollen prostate milked.

    Maybe this is something Dan Savage teach him.

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