I stumbled across something while I was high that satisfied so many of my high-person needs. I call them extreme horse girls. These are girls—usually aged somewhere from 10 to 17—who like to become horses in their spare time. This is different from pony play, like how that woman from My Strange Addiction likes to become a horse by putting a bit in her mouth and skipping around a barn. These horse girls are next level. They adopt the physicality of a horse, spending their time on all fours galloping and leaping like they're thoroughbreds running a jumping course.
At first, I was fascinated because—let's be real—this is ridiculous. The uncanny valley of seeing a human form contorted into a kind of hairless scoliosis-ridden beast was almost too much for me to handle. But, as I've spent time studying these horse girls, I've grown to admire them. I now think extreme horse-girling should be a competitive sport.
I first discovered this, er, hobby in a viral video on The Daily Mail. A girl in what looked like a high school class was barrelling around her classroom on her hands and feet. Her classmates cleared the desks aside and whooped and hollered at the edges of the room. She quickly circled the classroom and launched herself clear over a desk, landing gracefully on her hands.
My roommate and I, both baked to shit, giggled. "That looks hard," she said. We needed to try for ourselves. I lowered myself to the floor and tried to move at a pace above a crawl. Immediately, my wrists ached, my shoulders burned. I lurched forward. I tried a pathetic little hop. How the fuck did they do this?
It turns out, becoming a fleshy horse-human hybrid takes dedication and skill. I urge you to take a little puff of whatever you're smoking and try to do this. Here, I'll even include a tutorial. I just tried again in order to write this and it was impossible. My respect for these horse girls grows every day.
One Canadian teen was included in an issue of Ripley's Believe It Or Not because of her horse jumping talents. She told CBC that she'd honed her craft for six years, studying how horses move and applying those movements to "the human skeleton." She had to build up her muscles to gallop and canter and trot. She did wrist stretches to make sure she could handle the impact of her leaps. This is an athlete.
Several jumping horse girls have gained prominence, like the girl who became "obsessed" with jumping like a horse after getting "addicted to Animal Planet." Or, this Norwegian girl who popularized the trend:
I would like to see all of these jumping horse girls compete against each other. Look at this girl. She's ready:
A race? An obstacle course? A rodeo? Yes. All of the above. We'll need to find officiants. We'll need to book a track—one for horses or humans? I just don't know. Maybe one day extreme horse girl racing will replace real horse racing, since actual racehorses keep dying from performance-enhancing drug abuse.
While I believe in my heart of hearts a horse girl would never dope, I do worry if there are any ramifications to contorting your body into a closed parenthesis and sprinting around your backyard every day like a feral little Gollum—but whatever, gymnasts and football players ruin their bodies for their sport. I'd like to see Russell Wilson try to Animorphs himself into a racing horse. Spoiler alert: He wouldn't be able to do it. Extreme horse-girling is noble and not for the weak-hearted or weak-wristed.
If this isn't an Olympic sport by 2050, I will take to the streets.
