I would like it to be known that I don’t ALWAYS disagree with Sarah Mirk—maybe only 87 percent of the time. However (sigh) she’s wrong once again. While Columbus Day is remarkable in it’s “genocidedness,” and the post office is indeed closed, I take umbrage with her hypothesis that it is “the worst holiday of the year.” Here are some worse holidays than Columbus Day:

1) Labor Day: I always have to work!
2) Christmas & Easter: One holiday per customer, Christ!
3) Veterans Day & Memorial Day & Armed Forces Day: You too, Vets!
4) Father’s Day & Mother’s Day: You too, parents!
4) Valentine’s Day: No explanation needed.
5) Washington’s Birthday: He had wooden teeth! Therefore he must’ve been against fluoride!
6) New Year’s Eve: While I occasionally have fun on this holiday, it is still worse than Columbus Day because I always spend the next morning emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

SO WHATEVER, SARAH MIRK! Oh, and you forgot to do a poll, too.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

4 replies on ““Reasons Columbus Day is the Worst Holiday of the Year”: A COUNTERPOINT”

  1. Labor Day. Every shit job I’ve had always ends up with the bosses taking Labor Day off while the labor works harder to make up for them on the one end, and the supervisors and better-off labor that comes swarming to the job in droves for service. It’s only Labor Day because the actual labor works so much harder.

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