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It’s Independence Day, a.k.a the Fourth of July. Which to me is the day I close all my windows and sit around the house in a Benadryl haze because the sulfur dioxide fallout from fireworks feels like it sucks all the air out of my lungs. This lackluster approach to the 4th has led some of my friends to suggest that I’m somehow “allergic to patriotism.” Which is nonsense. Regardless of the strong association I have with smelling brimstone and sensing evil, I am not unpatriotic or anti-American. I love this country. Which is why I’ve compiled this list (not exhaustive) showing just all the wonderful ways in which America’s No. 1.

• So we’re totally the baddest motherfuckers out there. The US has the world’s largest military and we lead the world in military spending. But our strength doesn’t stop there.

• At home, the US has more guns per capita than another other country. That’s right. We’re secure!

• But we also lead the world in school shootings. But that’s okay… because when people go bad…

• We’re top in the world when it comes to locking them up. Even Joe Stalin would be jealous. Not that it makes us feel any better.

• We’re the most anxiety-ridden nation on the planet. But that’s okay, because we’ve found the cure.

• We spend more per capita on pharmaceuticals than any other country. (OECD data) In 2004, $2.1 billion of that spending was on anti-anxiety drugs. And all that anxiety appears to be making us more productive.

• The US has one of the largest GDPs in the world, and for many years we’ve had one of the most productive workforces in the world. In fact we love to work. We love to labor so much we never stop.

• America is No. 1 among advanced nations in not giving its citizens paid vacations or time off. We don’t even stop to have our kids.

• Unlike every other industrialized nation, the US has no federal mandate for paid maternity leave. But who needs anything like that, because, frankly, it stinks of socialized medicine? Who needs that commie shit? Self-reliance, that’s the key.

• That’s right. We’re No. 1 in the developed world in letting our sick and ailing citizens fend for themselves. And we must be doing something right because we’re the world’s second biggest spender on healthcare.

• So what if we’re a world leader in obesity and fast food joints per capita (no connection)? So what if we have a lower life expectancy than many of our industrialized peers? (OECD data) Or if our kids are among the poorest in the developed world. We’ve got faith!

• By many measures we are one of the more pious countries on Earth, certainly the most religious in the industrial world. And there’s a kind of enduring strength in that. Because having faith means we can overlook overcome anything.

• Like being the most economically unequal country in the developed world. So what if we’re ranked with countries like Uruguay and Cameroon? And so what if Iran is more equitable with their money than we are? Eat it, bitches. We’re still number one!

So praise God, pass the antihistamines, and repeat after me: “USA! USA! USA!”

8 replies on “We’re Number One! A List Compiling America’s Awesomeness”

  2. comrade, you should be thrown in the brig for aiding and abetting the enemy with that list of antisocialist poopaganda. turn off the msnbc and try to summon some more of your own brain faculties. do you have to be reminded who is in the white house right now brother? you make it sound like King George Bush the Turd is still there. nope, it’s the Profit of “hope and change,” as in he hopes he can get some mo of yo change in yo pockets. he’s the guy running the show now. the passage of obamacare with its penalizing mandates and irs enforced taxation will guarantee he even gets that 1982 penny rattling away in your dryer…that is if you can still afford electricity. ~50% of the things on your list are issues directly effected by individual choices. (obesity, criminal justice, drugs, religion, guns.) you can’t change them unless you want to tamper with social engineering or pass some unconstitutional law. maybe 25% are legitimate issues that I’d agree need attention. and the remaining is just a bunch of nonsensical hooey balooey. i was just at pearl harbor. there are still bodies of sailors down there, under the water. are you willing to sacrifice your life for this country if a threat were to arise? your apathetic, apatriotic language speaks naught

  4. you put my thoughts into words – thanks! shared on f/b and here is what i said “This blog puts some things into perspective. i love my country but its just like loving a person. you don’t love them by enabling bad behavior or allowing them to leap from a bridge. if you truly love them sometimes you have to be honest even if it hurts. i may love america but i don’t love how america is acting. just saying”

  6. This comparison is always humorous. And moronic. How many other countries have you lived in or spent any time in? In my case it has been 17 to date. With one exception, I would chose my country (the United States) over any other. Does this mean we do not have serious issues? No, but that is hardly a unique circumstance. This must an utterly terrible country given the fact that people immigrate here every day, legally or not. I served this country (USMC, Semper Fi) because I believe in what it really stands for and the promise it holds. I suppose you probably think I am an idiot for that belief. Perhaps, but at least I am not a disgruntled 20 something whiner who uses Google to drum up things to moan and bitch about.

  7. Showstopper, right on.
    Yeah, I’ve lived abroad too, and though it is all too easy to find fault within our own system of government – you can easily find faults in any other system around the world.
    I find it interesting to note our system of government adheres to what I believe is the oldest living document in the world. For example, how many times has France changed its’ own ‘Constitution’ since the US Constitution was written?

  8. Frankieb……my mother is half French and I lived there for 3 years as a youth……I believe it has been changed 4 times. It is also a country that has changed more than ours in the last two decades

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