This letter just arrived…
I am going to make a suggestion that will sound terrible—but I would like you to think about it, if you have time. It’s just a thought I had while reading your first blog posts about BIlly Lucas. I think that you, and other members of the media should refrain from publicizing suicides that result from bullying, and any disciplinary action taken or criminal charges pressed against the bullies in such cases. Not out of concern for the bullies, but for the bullied.
As someone who grew up and was severely bullied (though not because of my gender presentation or sexuality) in a small (Canadian) town in the early 90s, I regularly had the though “I should just kill myself. Then they would be sorry. Then they would get in trouble. I should just kill myself.” I didn’t. But if I had lived in a world where my suicide might have brought the actions of my tormentors to national and international attention, and might have seemed likely to result in criminal consequences for them, I might have found the nerve.
I think you should consider publicizing the stories of young gay adults who showed bullies up by living. I don’t mean to say that my heart doesn’t bleed for the kids who feel so alone that they kill themselves, or that I don’t think they did their best in terrible circumstances. This isn’t a “don’t give them what they want by giving them (posthumous) attention” letter. I just don’t want to see another child follow them there.
All I’m going to say in response right now, Cate, is that you’ll definitely want to read this week’s “Savage Love.”
“All I’m going to say in response right now, Cate, is that you’ll definitely want to read this week’s ‘Savage Love’… and you should buy my book! PEACE.”
Very insightful letter.
And I don’t think it necessarily falls to Dan Savage to say this, but…
I went out of my way to physically challenge every bully I encountered in high school, taking specific pains to stand between my one gay friend who was actually out and anyone that wanted to fuck him up for being gay. Was he obnoxious? You know it. Is that a reason to be beat up? Fuck no. And the main thing I always noticed was that when a bully has more than one person to deal with, they stand right the fuck down, almost immediately.
Now: was a big part of the motivation feeling proud of myself for being such a noble, wonderful human being? Sure. Now: is that the worst motivation you’ve ever heard?
I guess my point is that I made myself feel like the macho badass I really wasn’t by calling a bunch of scared boys out on their shit…I made myself feel like a macho badass by showing people who were generally considered to be macho badasses to be the cowards they actually were. It made adolescence a hell of a lot more awesome for me, and if I had some sort of public forum, I’d be suggesting it left and right: be a bully to bullies.