Gleegasm: I Thought You Were a Robot

I have decided that Glee may be one of the weirdest shows on television. All the inconsistencies I thought had been excised from the show over the break flared up like a bad STI last night. As this extremely insightful Salon article (entitled “‘Glee’ could be great — if it weren’t so awful”) says:

“Glee,” who are you, to take these many forms? You delight one minute and disturb the next. You intoxicate us with she-man football coaches and grilled Cheesuses, then torture us with Afterschool Special fare about hurt feelings and religion and daddies on their deathbeds. You juggle snark and melodrama, raps and ballads, bisexual cheerleaders and earnest pillow-lipped quarterbacks with the restraint and grace of a cocaine-addled musical theater major trying to hold down a job as a host at Applebee’s.

And last night was scattered as ever. Let’s talk it out.

Like so many episodes from the end of last season, no one seemed in character last night and most of the major plot points came out of nowhere.

Finn’s homophobia came back for long enough to tell Kurt he shouldn’t sing with Dylan or else Dylan will be maybe ridiculed maybe. Kurt’s dad (who’s ailing health is the only sign the episode last week happened) agrees. Kurt has to be a lone wolf, left to a life of singing “duets” with himself. Until next week, probably.

Santana and Brittany are apparently in a pretty hot sexual relationship I had no idea about. In a fit of jealousy Brittany takes Artie’s virginity. What?

Tina and Mike Chang are not in the perfect relationship it was suggested they had. Also I guess Mike Chang can’t sing but is in glee club anyway for the one or two times a season he gets to dance. They put their sudden relationship problems aside long enough to perform “Sing!”, which I’m sure some people found charming but gave me a total mindache.

Puck is in juvie. No further mention is made of this.

Sue Sylvester and every other adult is also missing. Even Will is an enthusiastic ghost; a curly-haired phantom you can see applauding and grinning in some scenes if you freeze your Tivo.

Dylan and Quinn are now in a relationship. This is the one part of the episode that felt real to me, thanks mostly to some really on point acting. Their little quip about which planet they are on, Mars or Venus, though? Fell flat.

Rachel and Finn now have even less romantic chemistry and much more creepy, conspiratorial chemistry. Rachel apparently suddenly thinks she is a terrible selfish person and wants Finn to help her with her still completely selfish plan. This ends in them singing a song that I guess is really offensive. Am I completely ignorant because I completely missed what was so awful about that song (besides it sounding schmaltzy and lame, but that’s never been a crime before). Someone point out to me what I’m missing.

Anyways, their plan worked resulting in a win by Dylan and Quinn. That is ridiculous because clearly “River Deep, Mountain High” was one of the best performances the show has ever put on. Give me more of that and I forget about Finn and the squinty-eyed pooping-face he makes when he drums.

Oh yeah, then Rachel and Kurt put aside some animosity between them that hasn’t made an appearance since the first season and sang (amazingly). Was that really what the episode was building up to? It makes no sense as a conclusion! They resolved some problem that wasn’t even a problem without addressing anything else the episode brought up.

Whaaaat the fuck? Where did this episode come from?

Stray notes and quotes

Breadstix did not look like that great of a restaurant. Those breadsticks looked very brittle.

Was that a giant rabbit’s foot hanging off Kurt’s pants or a fox tail?

Mike Chang’s family eats chicken feet salad every night. Huh.

Kurt is ridiculously talented and his Victor/Victoria number was awesomely performed but… it ain’t no duet. Am I the only one who was bugged by this?

Next week is the Rocky Horror episode. Yipes!

“Mm, sweet lady-kisses. It’s a nice break from all that scissoring.” – Whaa?

“Before our duet we’re going to do it.”