Blogtown consulting detective Graham emailed us the following very intriguing headline:

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Now I have no need to read the accompanying story, because I already know that this theory is categorically TRUE. Our newspaper does turn ibises—as well as other wetland birds—homosexual. And for reasons I can’t begin to fathom, it also seems to turn Maltipoos straight. BUT!

WHAT DOES THE MERCURY TURN YOU INTO?

Thanks, Graham!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

5 replies on “<i>Mercury</i> Turns Birds All Gay and Shit”

  1. I’m going to throw a bunch of mercs into my yard and see if those goddamn crows become less angry and awful-sounding, and more fabulous and Kylie Minogue-sounding.

  2. “At that moment, the bird began to flutter. It tumbled down through the bleeding tree and landed at our feet with a thud. Its graceful neck jerked twice and then straightened out, and the bird was still. It lay on the earth like a broken vase of red flowers, and even death could not mar its beauty.”

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