OH! WHY HELLO there, monster! I notice you're new to town, and... oh. I see you've brought many of your monster friends as well! THAT'S GREAT. The more the merrier... or in your case, "the scarier," amirite? High five! Umm... sure, I can high five all your tentacles.

Look, as long as you're here, can we talk about something? Now it's totally not your fault, but many longtime Portlanders are very upset about all these new monsters moving to town. But we all know why you chose Portland: Thanks to our many world-class restaurants, our tourists are fat, greasy, and delicious. Our music scene is perfect for those who murder at night, because audience members just stand there, with folded arms, nodding their heads. We also have Voodoo Doughnut (what a misnomer, right?). But most importantly, Portland is very tolerant of alternate lifestyle choices... including those involving the sucking of blood or the stabbing teens who have sex at sleep-away camps.

But here's the thing: You're never going to be accepted if you insist on acting like a bag of dicks.