“Snake Charmer”: Only $49.99 at Halloween Mart.

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A sight rarely seen outside the street markets of India, it is the Great Snake Charmer! The Great Snake Charmer stupefies passers-by while he maneuvers his snake with grace and elegance by simply blowing his own flute. The Great Snake Charmer has such control over his snake that he dares to do what many man cannot: kiss his own snake. Ladies beware! If this guy can charm a snake like this, imagine what he can do to you.

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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