It probably doesn’t surprise you that the Mercury office is built like Fort Knox. We need this extreme level of protection to safeguard us from people like you (or Navy SEALS) who have no qualms about murdering us in increasingly creative and gory ways. OR MAYBE I’M WRONG. Maybe we’re just being overly paranoid, and you have better things to kill in your spare time.
The reason I’m bringing this up is that the door leading into the editorial department (which is always locked, and guarded by a keypad that delivers a 50,000 volt shock if you punch in the number wrong) is broken.
News editor Denis Theriault apparently has the strength of twenty mongoloids and snapped the door’s handle off like the leg bone of a baby bird. Currently, the door is WIDE OPEN to any serial killer or angry reader who wants to stroll in and garrote Erik Henriksen’s throat. So what I want to know is this: SHOULD WE BE NERVOUS OR ALARMED? If anyone is planning on killing us today, it would be nice to know so I can get the door fixed. If not? I’ll wait until tomorrow, or maybe Friday.
So if you would, please answer the following poll.
This has no effect on me, as I can always let myself in through the window.
Human meat, delicious and vegan!
Also Steve, if you marinate cantankerous hipster just right, they taste just like pork. Oh yum, I do miss pork! **salivates**
shhh…I’m already IN the office!
As we saw from his knowledge of the Carter administration, Denis also the intelligence of twenty mongoloids.
Various ninja assassins had been stymied by the puzzle of how to cut though that duct tape…OH BOY NOW IT’S GONNA BE EASY! (shhhhh, ninjas are quiet, almost forgot)
Denis can pay to replace it. He has all that Jeopardy money now.
am REALLY a vegan, so I´d…
Don’t want to be a killjoy, but “mongoloid” is a pejorative term for a person with Down syndrome. I know we’re all irreverent and everything, but I’d like to think you have better judgment than to write that someone “has the strength of twenty retards,” which is pretty much the same thing.
Sir, this comment is coming from INSIDE your office!!!!
I bet twenty retards would be pretty strong. I’m just saying.
Stock up on retard retardant, just in case.
Everything you need to know about retards can be learned from Strangers With Candy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhrHZJ2pbzg
i just want to say that this thread is really offensive to people who’s family members were killed by retarded vegans
Damn you, Graham! You stole that SWC clip right out from ‘neath my skull cap.
I don’t want to necessarily kill anybody but wouldn’t mind wearing someone’s skin. Do you have any great, big fat persons there?
I didn’t break it. If I did you would be trapped inside so I could KILL IT WITH FIRE !!!!!!!!