According to Ezra, he arrived at his house only minutes ago to discover this horrifying sight:
While he was quick to blame BLUSTERSTORM 2010™ for the tree falling and bouncing off his neighbor’s car, I think he’s missing a more simple, and obvious solution.
THE TREE KILLED ITSELF TRYING TO ESCAPE EZRA’S YARD.
Obviously, the poor tree could only stand listening to so many Morrissey and Vampire Weekend records—while enduring incessant jibes from neighboring trees—before flinging itself on the flimsy fence constructed with Ezra’s own frail emo hands.
Such a senseless, senseless death. One can only hope that, in the future, Ezra will spend as much time listening to the trees as he will the latest release from Fall Out Boy.*
*Confidential to Ezra: This post does not grant you the right to make fun of my Justin Bieber obsession.
Witnesses within earshot could hear the tree weeping to Ezra as it fell, “the more you ignore me, the closer I get…..”
No, your Justin Bieber obsession is reason enough.
“Why do you come here, when you know it makes things hard for me?”
A rush and a push and the land that we stand on is ours.
“I would rather not go back to the old house. There’s too many memories, too many bad memories.”
Is this post just an excuse to have the tree removal written off as a work expense?
1. Steve, I hate you.
2. Vampire Weeekend?
3. If there every was a Moz line for this, it would be: “Our family tree hacked into decline/And I’m spared the pain/Of ever saying goodbye.”
When is the funeral for the tree? Will it be cremated?