As a grocery-shopping bicyclist who goes by Safeway on his way home from work: OH THANK GOD SOMEONE SAVED ME FROM THE EVIL SIN OF USING PLASTIC BAGS TO TRANSPORT MY GROCERIES! Now I can revel in the joys of trying to juggle paper bags over my handlebars while they dissolve in the rain, or I can play the wonderful minigame of “let’s not run over the reusable bag that’s dangling about six inches above the ground” every time I get groceries. What FUN! Or, hey, I can patronize one of our many overpriced bike shops and buy a $200 set of saddlebags to go with my $100 junker bike. That’s a great theft deterrent, isn’t it?

Thanks a goddamn lot, Sam Adams. Thanks to you too, you anarcho-hippie ecotards who pushed this through. What the fuck were you thinking? It rains for TWO THIRDS of the fucking year here. Last time I checked, plastic was waterproof AND PAPER WASN’T. Now I am inconvenienced so you can feel all full of warm huggy fuzzies every time you go to Whole Foods (or, god forbid, slum it at Safeway) and watch all us unenlightened simpletons struggle to carry six paper bags full of heavy-ass groceries out of the goddamn store. No more shall I effortlessly carry three bags over each wrist and neatly sling them under my handlebars for the ride home. THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME THE WRIST PAIN. Crushed, dropped, dirty, wet groceries are absolutely worth a respite from that fucking agony.

Look, assclowns. I’m a crazy liberal too. My political beliefs are fiscally anarcho-communist and socially far-left libertarian. But you know what? This phenomenally senseless legislation is inconvenient to everyone and helpful to no one except the paper bag industry. And for what? So you can sleep better at night, because your stupid uneducated ass doesn’t know that plastic is actually NOT WORSE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AT ALL? No. Fuck you. Fuck you, and may you fucking choke on the plastic bags I’ll be importing in from Beaverton.

32 replies on “Fuck you Very Much, Sam Adams”

  1. Oh fucking whaaa! You ever think about shorting the handles on your reusable bags asshat?
    And, again, I’d appreciate a curse that is more clever than “fuck you”.
    BTW, there’s way less rain in Phoenix.

  2. “Anarcho-communist” is a completely impossible combination of economic beliefs. How can you believe in state owned production/capital AND no government regulations of the economy?

  8. how is plastic bad for the environment?

    Answer:

    Plastic bags are bad for the environment because with all the growing plastic bags (which are not biodegradable) blowing around, anything can ingest it.
    Animals and everything. also the materials to make plastic bags contribute to the global emissions.
    Plastic degradation at sea takes between 45-1000 years.
    Usually though, plastic bags don’t biodegrade. They photo-degrade. Which means they break up into smaller pieces of plastic until eventually becoming plastics dusts.
    Plastic which ends up in the sea (through garbage dumps at seaside, river flow etc) winds up becoming food for marine life that mistake it for food especially of the jellyfish variety.
    Plastics bags have been found in the stomachs of endangered animals including the leatherback turtles, harbour porpoises and black footed albatross. Ingestion (swallowing) of plastic bags can result in blockages, internal infections, starvation and death.
    These occur in deserts as well (garbage dumpsites in deserts) where camels and other desert wildlife have been found dead with plastic ingestion.
    If animals don’t die from plastic ingestion, they pollute the food chain instead. After all, we are the ones eating fish and meat.
    Moreover, it takes about 430,000 gallons of oil to produce 100 million non-degradable plastic bags. And we use 4 trillion to 5 trillion plastic bags worldwide annually. That’s using up oil sources without recycling them.
    Recycling cost of plastic bags: it takes 250 bags to make 1 kilo of plastic – making recycling economically unviable. Furthermore, plastic is made of recycled materials, making them difficult to be further recycled. Burning plastic results in air pollution and toxic ash.

    This entire comment came from the following website:
    Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_are_plastic_…

  9. IA, i was mostly with you at first. But you completely lost me when you started mouthing off stupid shit about who you “think” is behind the ban. Here’s who pushed for the plastic bag ban, genius:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surfrider_Fou…

    As you can see, they have chapters all over the world, including Portland. Hardly your standard “anarcho-hippie ecotards”.

    Btf’w, if you’re TRULY the “anarcho-communist” you claim to be, then you ought to be well aware of atrocities in this world far more pressing than THIS piddly little bullshit you’re whinning about.

    Here’s my advice to you: get a reusable bag or use the etremely durable napsack from Andy&Bax you MUST already have – like i do – and quite being such a fucking crybaby! FUCK dude, you sound like the ENEMY!

  11. Maybe dumpster dives at Safeway.

    And dotcomdotcom has a point. Anarchism and communism are two fundamentally differing – in certain ways opposing idiologies.

  13. As an anarcho-communist, I’m assuming that you think the 7 billion people of the earth should be able to figure out how to fairly divide all goods and labor, and without the aid of a state bureaucracy. Yet you yourself can’t figure out how to get your groceries home unless they hand you a wad of plastic bags each time. Think about that.

  15. This ban and the cunt behind it who runs that surfrider foundation who is behind are absolute fucking idiots!
    These plastic bags that have banned are recyclable.
    Have you seen those places at groceries stores where you could take and put them? Those go to a recycling company.
    Okay so your curbside recycling won’t accept them, there are lots of thing that are recyclable that they wont accept. Shall we ban all those also? Lets not make the curbside recycling accept and recycle something that can be, but ban instead? Makes perfect sense. The biggest problem with this ban is we the taxpayers and voters had absolutely NO say in it whatsoever.
    I for one have decided I will NOT not recycle anything as long as this idiotic ban is in place. All recyclable materials are now going in the garbage and all garbage is going into the recycling containers. I will do this at my apt complex and anywhere in public I go.

  17. It doensn’t seem to take a whole lot of “education” to figure out a better solution to your grocery dilemma than carrying away everything hanging from each handlebar, which in my opinion is not the most safest way to ride your bike. I would recommend a backpack as another commenter posted. Probably could score something pretty cheap at goodwill.

  19. I’m with Oscar. Clearly you’re not *that* destitute, as you have access to a computer and the internet, and can afford six bags of groceries at a time. Ten bucks, twenty tops, will buy you a perfectly functional and probably reasonably nice backpack at Goodwill, Value Village, Salvation Army or Next Adventure.

  21. or just read a book or internet post and repeat it to show how clever you are and how much you know, and to show that you are genuinely interested in this topics, not just for yourself, but for the world around you. Done. Provide a self answer to the problems too.

  22. – those – etc, screw you slow internet connection, I hope they decapitate you and replace you with one that does the job…

  23. How about fixing a crate to the back of your bike? Easily HALF the bikes in this town have milk crates fashioned to them. It’s simple DIY, you lazy hypocritical dipshit.

  25. I can think of 10,000 reuses for plastic bags, from picking up dog poop to keeping my bicycle seat dry, and they are recyclable.

    On top of that, you will still be able to get single use plastic bags at the farmer’s market, smaller stores and in the produce section of your favorite supermarket, so this ban will do very little to actually reduce the volume of plastic bags in circulation.

    I agree with the OP, this is mostly stupid feel-good nonsense, which sells very well indeed in PDX.

  29. Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said … is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

  31. Yes, obviously Sam Adams is to blame for all your problems. Maybe spend a little less time blaming others for your unhappiness and a little more time proactively developing solutions to your problems and life won’t seem so hard.

    Also, 110% chance this person moved here from California or the Midwest in the last year.

  32. Okay, so, broseph? It’s alright. I used to walk to the grocery store with my hiking sack, when I didn’t want to drive. You could do the same, and save some paper bags, even.

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