Apes ‘n’ Acorns

Dear men: The fact that I am a woman who is in public with no female
posse or male escort is not in and of itself a cry for male attention.
My strategies for avoiding you include reading, headphones, and
irrational interest in the ground. You routinely ignore these cues. My
only recourse is to tell you that I am married. I get only two
responses: Either you feign interest in what my husband does for a
living, or you inform me of your plans to kick my husband’s ass. My
transformation from the girl you wanted to chat up to the bitch whose
husband you are intent on beating actually makes sense from an
evolutionary perspective. You have low fitness (read: no sex). I have
already committed to giving another male offspring, making him the
competitor who you must beat in order to get it through my head that I
ought to be copulating with you. You may be interested to know that
though alpha male chimpanzees succeed in having sex through
intimidation and rape, studies have shown that lower ranking males who
groom females actually have more offspring. I make this point because I
want you to know that I don’t actually hear you as I walk off, because
you are drowned out by the echoing hoots and screams of the common
ancestor we humans share with our phylogenetic cousins, the apes. Also,
your penis is a sickly, shriveled acorn.—Anonymous