Nice job, assface. I heard you spending 2 hours shoveling the snow off your driveway and the sidewalk. That scraping sound woke me up at 9 am. I got up and read the news and they said it it was going to snow more today.

Guess what? They were right. I hope you threw your back out. Tonight around 3am, I’m going to blast Burl Ives greatest hits from my garage stereo towards your bedroom window as I drink whiskey and pee over the fence.

14 replies on “Snow Blow”

  1. Just shut up. The snow is awesome! It took me an extra 70 minutes to get home last night, but I didn’t care. Who the hell is still asleep at 9am? Are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?

    I’m sure you’ll point your iphone at your neighbor’s house tonight and play shitty music. It’d be excellent if your neighbor is the old man from Home Alone. That guy scared me.

  2. Hey dipshit: 9am is not early. Get out of bed you whiney twenty-something Peter Pan douchebag. While you’re up, try getting a job. May I suggest going door-to-door shoveling snow?

    As for more snow coming later– guess what? If you keep up with what’s coming down from the sky, quickly shoveling a few times instead of doing all at once, it’s far less of a backache.

    Not that you’re the type who will bother shoveling your own sidewalk at all, of course. Just pretend you don’t have to, or just keep telling yourself it’ll melt. If anyone bitches, act all flustered like a helpless child that only dresses like a lumberjack because you think doing so gives you rustic cred down at the faux-dive bar.

  3. No one calls the cops on people shoveling their walkway at 9am. They do, however, call the cops on douchey little 20-nothings vindictively playing music too loud at 3 in the morning.

    Grow up, get a real job and find something legitimate to complain about. This rant is as embarrassing as it pathetic.

  5. This commentary brought to you by the Portland Lifestyle Police: shaving waxed moustaches and replacing flannel shirts one suit and tie at a time.

  6. I did the exact same thing around 10 am. I knew the snow was coming back, but I own my house and I don’t need some sue-happy dipshit breaking his leg on my sidewalk. Tomorrow I will do the same thing at the same time. WAKE YO AZZ UP!

  8. Portland is the place where “young people go to retire.” “Remember when people were content to be unambitious, sleep till 11, hang out with their friends, have no occupations whatsoever, maybe work a couple hours a week at a coffee shop.”

    I feel your pain, whiskey pisser. You must be busy as an artist and musician.

  11. Anonie, if you actually were going to do any of the shit you’re claiming you’re going to do here, you’d be worthless.
    But you’re not, so you’re just a fucking sad clown.

  12. Your part of the reason Portland is iced over. My stairs and sidewalk are nice and dry. The snow is a lot easier to clear when it’s fresh.

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