[Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
I would like to still be here next year. Live long enough to complete a few more goals and work on my relationship with my wife and kids. I don’t want to give up and find some other way to move on.
I feel like I’m back in kelso, pushing my bike up a hill at midnight, hungry and tired and hoping one day things will be a little better. But I have a house and food and I make a small amount of money now and I still feel like giving up and even if I don’t all I have to do is mess up a little to slide all the way back down to negative numbers. Deep deep down. You have to work your way out of six different holes before you can even be back at zero.
I think I’ve been putting in a lot of effort. I mean I’m not perfect but when the my play back the tape, coach is gonna say, “I don’t think he could have done much more. He got so many parts right.” But I guess maybe I’ll fail anyway. This was kind of what I was afraid of all those years back when I was thinking about the island. Like maybe I find some stability for a while but I still lose it like the other times. I definitely haven’t gotten used to it although it is predictable. Fucking hurts worse every time. I don’t know if I can go through another semi public breakdown. Make a fool of myself in front of all my friends or coworkers or whatever I call the five people who know me and the people that see me when I’m out in the world. I’ll be very sad if I decide I have to leave my wife and kids, but they all walk over me so much I’m basically not really there anyway. She keeps telling me that’s she’s alone.
I can’t ask the people in my life to own their mistakes. I can only work on mine and continue to raise my tolerance. I’m not that important.
I want to quit my job and go live in the forest.
I hope I’m still alive next here and still with my wife fighting more ridiculous and unnecessary battles while the world burns around us.—Anonymous