Auugghh! AUUGGHH!! Oh, hi. Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I was so intent on being completely prepared for the onslaught of new and returning TV shows? Well, as it turns out, I'm terrifically UN-prepared. In fact, I am so NON-prepared, I may have to spend what little preparation time I have left to build a time machine, so I can go back in time to get better prepared. See, even though my TiVo is designed to record two shows at once, that's not nearly enough to handle the avalanche of awesomeness airing this week.
So here's the plan: For the shows my TiVo can't handle, I will illegally run more lines from my satellite dish to a separate TV hooked up to my ancient VCR and a Betamax machine stolen from my grandmother's basement. If that's not enough, I'll split the wire again, hook up another TV, and videotape the show with a camcorder borrowed from my cousin Chet, the porn producer. Any remaining shows will be outsourced to a talented class of kindergarten students, who will watch the program and then reenact it for me at a later date. (I'm thinking Mad Men might be a good choice.)
BUT OMIGOD! Take a look at all the new and returning shows clogging up the works this week! THURSDAY: My Name Is Earl (NBC, 8 pm), Ugly Betty (ABC, 8 pm), Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 pm), ER (NBC, 10 pm). SUNDAY: The Amazing Race (CBS, 8 pm), The Simpsons (Fox, 8 pm), King of the Hill (Fox, 8:30 pm), Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9 pm), Family Guy (Fox, 9 pm), American Dad (Fox, 9:30 pm). WEDNESDAY: Pushing Daisies (ABC, 8 pm), Private Practice (ABC, 9 pm), Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, 10 pm).
AND THOSE AREN'T EVEN THE SHOWS I GIVE TWO CRAPS ABOUT!! Here are the shows I give two craps about:
• Survivor: Gabon—Earth's Last Eden (CBS, Thurs Sept 25, 8 pm). Full disclosure: I only give one crap about this. Primarily because this edition features an Olympic athlete and a videogame nerd, and it promises to pit "good against evil." And I've got 50 bucks on "evil."
• The Office (NBC, Thurs Sept 25, 9 pm). It's one glorious hour of Dunder Mifflin, where we discover the answer to last season's cliffhanger, "Isn't a love triangle between Dwight, Angela, and Andy supergross?"
• Little Britain (HBO, Sun Sept 28, 10:30 pm). A huge hit in "Big" Britain, sketch comedy artists Matt Lucas and David Walliams will see if Americans can appreciate their sick, disgusting sense of humor. (Psst! If you regularly read this column without throwing up, you'll appreciate it, too.)
• Paris Hilton's My New BFF (MTV, Tues Sept 30, 10 pm). Okay. So 18 people live in a house together and compete to become Paris Hilton's new best friend. You know, I truly believe that if Adolf Hitler were alive today and started a reality competition called Gas Chamber, there would be hundreds of people lining up to compete.
OMIGOD! That would be a great reenactment for the kindergarten class!
