So Barack Obama got Time magazine’s “Person of the
Year”? Whoopdee-f-bombing-doo! But wait… don’t get me wrong! Like the
rest of you, I sincerely believe that Barack Obama poops unicorns and
ejaculates fairy dust. HOWEVER! Why did Time have to pick such
an obvious choice? I mean, seriously… was “Wolf” from American
Gladiators even considered? Obama talks a good game, but have you
ever seen him on top of a gym mat pyramid, picking up
Gladiator contestants like rag dolls and hurling them to the
ground, after which they’re rushed to the hospital spinal injury ward?
And you’ve certainly never heard Obama say, “My fellow Americans…
AHHH-ROOOOOO!”
That’s why Time magazine should just dump the whole “Person
of the Year” concept and switch to something more entertaining. For
example? Oh, I don’t know… how about… the I LOVE
TELEVISION™ “PEE-HOLE OF THE YEAR” AWARD™? That’s right,
it’s time to pay homage to the television celebrities of 2008 who
hopped into the national spotlight, and then—like a stubborn case
of genital warts—refused to go away. The nominees, if you
please!
• The Ikki Twins! Though the idea of bisexual identical
twins may sound totally awesome IN THEORY, the sad reality is that the
sister stars of MTV’s Double Shot at Love (a dating show
involving straight dudes and lesbians) are like a double shotgun blast
of CRABS. (Not the delicious seafood kind.)
• Hologram will.i.am! Election night should’ve been the greatest night of our generation. So why did CNN have to ruin
everything with an in-studio hologram appearance from the
absolutely TERRIBLE hiphopper will.i.am? Holograms should only be called upon
to deliver news of the most vital importance: like Princess Leia
begging for help from Obi-Wan Kenobi, or nude Jessica Alba alerting me
that her clothes have fallen off, and she’s warming up my bed.
• The cast of Whale Wars! Next
to Rachael Ray, these enviro-dumbasses are clearly some of the most
annoying people on TV. A shipload of animal rights activists boat
around the ocean trying to stop Japanese ships from hunting and killing
whales—no problem there, right? Except these guys are super
annoying pee-holes who throw stink bombs, endanger each other’s lives,
and argue incessantly over who is the most morally superior. Umm guys?
The whales called, and unless you leave, they’re gonna commit suicide.
And they’ll take some dolphins with them!
But the grand prize winner of 2008’s I Love Television™
“Pee-Hole of the Year” Award is…
• Spencer Pratt of The Hills! Whether
campaigning for McCain or actively trying to ruin his co-stars’ lives,
Spencer Pratt (AKA Hitler with a flesh beard) took his pee-holishness
to new, and previously unattained heights while his girlfriend Heidi
Montag (AKA the frigid sex android sent from the year 2247) stood
passively by. Not only did Spencer emotionally terrorize and scare away
all her family and friends, he eventually tricked Heidi into marrying
him in Mexico after plying her with tequila shots. Congratulations,
Spencer! Of all the pee-holes on television, you’re the pee-holiest!
“Wolf” from American Gladiators will now present your award, the
“I Love Television™ Spinal Cord Bifurcation™.”
Send in your pee-hole nominees, pee-hole! steve@portlandmercury.com
