Welcome to 2012—and I've got another New Year's resolution all ready to add to your list. I think you need to do a better job of expressing affection—primarily toward me. This can be accomplished in a number of ways: 1) erotic poetry and/or fan fiction. Send me more erotic poetry, or if you have trouble rhyming, simply write some lengthy erotic fan fiction involving me dry boning a historical character. Here's a sample from my erotic fan-fiction novel Got a Hankerin' for Ben Frank-er-lin:
"Ben Franklin felt lonely as he stepped out of the shower. Rubbing the rough towel over his moist naked body, he was struck by the realization he hadn't felt the soft caressing touch of a lover since that cold, cold winter he dry boned Betsy Ross. Suddenly... the bathroom door flew open. It was Wm.™ Steven Humphrey dressed as a British Redcoat! "Ha-haaa!" Humphrey noisily purred, his bulging groin pulsating with sexual intent. 'Me thinks a certain founding father is in need of a patriotic dry boning!'"
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not sure why I think the term "dry boning" is sexy.)
Anyway! Where were we... oh! Your lack of affection, and how I could profit from more of it. 2) One can also express affection by doing "little things" that make me happy. Such as paying my rent for a year. Um... DO YOU LOVE ME OR NOT?!? See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! How am I supposed to continue this relationship when you steadfastly refuse to feed me emotionally? (And monetarily! And physically! With sandwiches!) Sure, the dry boning is great... but when are you going to start dry boning my soul?
All right. It's obvious you need to grow some emotional growth. So while you're focusing on that, I'm going to check out a few new TV shows debuting this week. Such as...
• The Firm (NBC, Sun Jan 8, 9 pm). Based on the John Grisham thriller—later made into a flick starring Tom Cruise—the action takes place 10 years after lead character Mitch McDeere and his wife go into witness protection. Unfortunately, Tricia Helfer (Number Six from BSG) is now in charge of the law firm and wants McDeere McDEAD. (Sounds like he could use a boost in the "affection department" as well.)
• Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC, Wed Jan 11, 8:30 pm). Based on the disposable coffee-table book Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by not-so-attractive talk show host Chelsea Handler, the sort of impossibly hot That '70s Show alum Laura Prepon stars in this sitcom as a young Chelsea Handler, while the real Chelsea Handler stars as young Chelsea Handler's pregnant older sister. This sounds like erotic fan fiction I don't want to read.
• House of Lies (Showtime, Sun Jan 8, 10 pm). Based on yet ANOTHER book (this time by Martin Kihn), Don Cheadle (EEEE!), Kristen Bell (EEEE!), and Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Recreation (EEEE?) make up a high-voltage management consultant firm that makes big money selling top companies a load of poop. This show looks dark, hilarious, and definitely dry boneable. (2012 RESOLUTION: I swear I will never use that term again.)
Dry bone me on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey
THURSDAY, JANUARY 5
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY ALL STARS
Debut! Former Project Runway contestants (losers) return to lose again!
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
Snooki and the gang return to their television birthplace... whether New Jersey likes it or not.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 6
9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Sam babysits the daughter of a demon hunter—and is getting paid less than minimum wage??
10:00 IFC PORTLANDIA
Season premiere! Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are back with more whimsical hipster "comedy."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 7
9:00 ABC NEW HAMPSHIRE GOP DEBATE
Watch and howl with glee as the most insane lineup of Republicans ever cram their feet in their mouths.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 8
10:00 BBCA ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS 20TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL
Patsy and Edina return to skewer current pop culture. (Like maybe Kim Kardashian? Hmmm?)
10:00 SHOW HOUSE OF LIES
Debut! Don Cheadle and Kristen Bell star in this devilishly funny/sexy parody of management consultants.
MONDAY, JANUARY 9
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
This week's test: Ben asks the bachelorettes to list their sexually transmitted diseases (starting with the most recent).
10:00 MTV CAGED
Debut! Teens try to break out of their small town by becoming MMA fighters. Or barring that, Broadway dancers!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 10
10:00 LIF 24 HOUR CATWALK
Debut! In this new reality fashion contest, designers must build an entire collection in (gulp!) 24 hours!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11
8:30 NBC ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA?
Debut! Two Chelsea Handler shows on TV are exactly three too many.
9:00 CBS PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS
In which "the people" choose their favorites. For example: best condiment... mayonnaise!