HUZZAH! The results are in! After two excruciating weeks, the final numbers
from the I Love Television™ Readers’™ Poll™ have been crunched and tallied by
my crack team of illegal Chinese immigrants. And though they’re being shipped
back today, I’d like to congratulate them on a job well done, and present each
with a container of Wet Ones moist towelettes (now with aloe!). Send me back
a plate of that delicious General Tso’s Chicken, boys!
Now, as you may remember, a recent CNN poll asked viewers what activities they would participate in if allowed to be on television. Naturally, the questions were BOOOOOOOOORING, and involved such pedestrian activities as kissing, eating larvae, and wearing pajamas (Hell, I’ve done those things at my family reunion!). Well, anything CNN can do, I can do better. So I came up with my own poll featuring thoughtful, pertinent questions designed for America’s most intellectually advanced cross-section: I Love Television™ readers.
And the results were phenomenal! Over 1,000 responses poured into our headquarters–so many, in fact, that we had to threaten an extra 100 immigrants with deportation just to get the job done! So without further ado, here are the results from the I Love Television™ “Sure, I’d Do It!” Poll™.
IF ALLOWED ON TELEVISION, WOULD YOU….
(A) Let Jon Bon Jovi drool into your mouth?
An amazing number of readers (72 percent!) said “You betcha!” to just lying
there as this hairy, washed-up ex-rock star slowly dribbled a long string of
foamy yellowed drool into their awaiting craws. Huh go figure.
(B) Ruin a child’s birthday party by dressing up in a clown suit with the ass cheeks cut out?
Wow! An incredible 96 percent would gladly ruin a child’s birthday
in this unusual (but sexy) way. One respondent even claims he does it
for a living!
(C) Have yourself miniaturized and injected into someone’s bloodstream?
Seventy-five percent said “Sure, why not?” signifying that I Love Television™ readers can be both adventurous and insane.
(D) Give and/or receive a handjob from Happy Days’ Potsie (Anson Williams)?
Surprisingly, there are some things I Love Television™ readers won’t do,
and 52 percent won’t give Potsie a handjob. However, a variety of readers
would gladly sodomize Joanie, Ralph, and Chachi.
(E) Accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?
Okay, this is weird. Practically the same number of people who wouldn’t give
Potsie a handjob would accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior (51
percent). This frightening trend of morality doesn’t bode well for the future
of my column.
(F) Insert a proctoscope into your anus and hook up a webcam?
Ahhh that’s more like it. Seventy percent of respondents would happily let the world have an up-close-and-personal look at their lower intestine (especially if the webcam “vibrates”). Yay! The future of my column is secure!
