If you haven’t already noticed, TV is really good at setting
up unrealistic expectations. Example? Most of the people I pork look
NOTHING like the cast of Gossip Girl. In fact, they look more
like the cast of The Golden Girls! AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? Thank
yew! I’ll be here all week… oh, crap. I keep forgetting that Bea
Arthur is still dead. I really have to poop-can it with The
Golden Girls jokes.
Anyway! Unrealistic expectations! As mentioned earlier, the people I
pork aren’t as attractive as people on TV, and the situations I find
myself in on a daily basis aren’t quite as exciting as they are on…
say… 24. For example, while I’m sure he uses them, you never
ever see Jack Bauer popping into the drugstore to buy Tucks Medicated
Pads. (Mmm. So cooling.)
OOH! And here’s another thing that inflames my Tuck hole. Not only
do TV characters get to be super attractive and have wildly exciting
lives, they also get to have “season finales” in which something
absolutely bat-poop bonkers happens to them, and then? THEY GET
FOUR FREAKING MONTHS OFF!! That ain’t right, playas. That ain’t
right.
And what’s worse? Most of these shows don’t even deserve a
vacation. Here are just a few examples of the many shows that are
having season finales (and undeserved vacations) this week:
• Smallville (CW, Thurs May 14, 8 pm). Superboy is
informed that he must kill Doomsday before he can go on summer
vacation. THAT’S all I have to do to get time off around here? Where’s
that intern??
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, Thurs May 14, 9 pm). In the
season finale, Izzie catches an inoperable brain tumor. Oh,
puh-leeze! Some people will do anything to get a vacation.
• Desperate Housewives (ABC, Sun May 17, 9 pm). Blaming
them for the death of his wife and daughter, crazy Dave kidnaps Susan
and her son, MJ. Dude! You do NOT want to be stuck with that harpie for
four months!
• 24 (FOX, Mon May 18, 8 pm). Okay, after suffering
through the betrayal of Tony Almeida, a siege on the White House, and
being exposed to a near-lethal bio-weapon attack, perhaps Jack
Bauer deserves a vacation. He can even borrow my Tucks.
• Gossip Girl (CW, Mon May 18, 8 pm). It’s graduation
day and what better way to ruin everything for the gang than with an
earth-shattering revelation sent by Gossip Girl herself! (Luckily,
everyone will have four months off to have sex and think about it.)
• CSI: Miami (CBS, Mon May 18, 10 pm). These guys
can’t take four months off, because my grandmother is the
only person who watches them, and I seriously doubt she’s gonna
make it that long!
• American Idol (FOX, Wed May 20, 8 pm). Forget these
guys: I’m the one who desperately needs a vacation from off-key
screeching, blind piano players, Christian choir leaders, hillbilly
oil riggers, anyone named “Lil Rounds” or “Anoop,” gay
musical-theater majors, and especially Randy, Kara, Simon, and…
Paula? Please. You have four months. Get back on the painkillers!
