I Love Television™

Here’s an ethical question: Let’s say, for example, you spot
a misplaced infant about to tumble into a cement mixer. (Look, now is
not the time to question why someone would misplace an infant near a
cement mixer, OKAY?!?) Would you (a) rush to warn the cement-mixer
operator about the infant, or would you (b) laugh hysterically as the
infant tumbled to a disgustingly cement-y death? For those who answered
“a”—you are ethically correct! For those who answered
“b”—I’ll admit it’s kind of funny… but you are ethically incorrect!

So to those who answered “b,” why don’t you go kill a puppy or
something? The rest of this column is intended solely for those with a
moral compass that isn’t completely fawked. Okay. So you ethically
correct people would warn a cement-mixer operator about a stupid
baby—BUT YOU WOULDN’T WARN ABC TO CANCEL ANYTHING STARRING JIM
BELUSHI??

In case you didn’t realize, every time ABC shows an episode
of According to Jim, something really horrible
happens. Example: Immediately following last Tuesday’s episode,
officials from India knocked down the shanty home of one of those kids
from Slumdog Millionaire. Did you read about that? It was
horrible! One minute you’re living in a shack made of rusty sheet
metal, the next you’re crying on a pile of twisted rubble, desperately
asking passersby, “Where’s my chicken?” AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR NOT STOPPING JIM BELUSHI!

“But Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry. “According to
Jim has just been canceled and will air its final episode this
Tuesday at 8:30 p.m. on the ABC network! So now nothing bad will ever
happen again!”

HORSE FEATHERS, A-HOLE!

Ever heard of syndication? Maybe you’re too stupid to realize
it, but According to Jim has been on for EIGHT seasons.
EIGHT!! Let’s think back for a moment, shall we, about
alllllll the horrible things that have happened in the last eight
years… like… ohhhh, I don’t know… maybe 9-freaking-11?? And
the war in Iraq? And a little thing we like to call the total collapse
and meltdown of the global economy?? And that Slumdog kid losing
his chicken??

Eight seasons. That’s 182 episodes of unfunny, abject
misery—misery that will surely continue thanks to According to
Jim‘s syndication deal! And whose fault is it? Why… it’s YOURS.
YOU could’ve said something. YOU could’ve
opened your eyes to the horror going on around you and said, “STOP
IT, JIM BELUSHI. I will not stand idly by as the world hurtles toward
war and infants tumble into cement mixers. I will do whatever it takes
NOW to stop According to Jim—even if it means ignoring a
child about to tumble into a cement mixer so I can write an angry
letter to the ABC network!”

Unfortunately, you didn’t do this—which means we must now
resort to drastic measures. How drastic? We go back in time
Terminator-style (which is to say buck naked) and steer those
9/11 planes right into Jim Belushi’s mansion. The chickens and cement
mixers of the world are depending on us.