I Love Television™

Six reasons I choose not to have friends.

Reason #1: WHO FREAKIN’ NEEDS THEM? I was watching a rerun of
Friends the other day, and was like, “Omigod, what a bunch of
walking anal cavities!” Seriously, why would these people choose to
hang out with, or— worse still—live with each other? They
have absolutely NOTHING in common, other than the fact that they’re all
stereotypes. I hate Joey, I hate Phoebe, I hate Jennifer Aniston, I
hate the guy with the monkey, I hate his bitchy sister, and I would
hate Chandler, too, but I’m pretty sure he’d hate me first. So that’s
one reason I don’t have real life friends—because TV’s
Friends is a direct representation of the whole of humanity.
Except for maybe vampires.

Reason #2: FRIENDS HURT YOUR FEELINGS! When I was in the fifth
grade, Greg Horton was my best friend. We would share Hot Wheels, juice
boxes, our adoration for Shirley Roundtree, and—much
later—the sexually transmitted diseases Shirley Roundtree shared
with the entirety of our 10th grade class. However! One day something
happened that shattered my perfect relationship with Greg Horton.
Something that can never be forgotten or forgiven. He came to school
with a fucking ridiculous haircut, and I said, “What did you do? Fall
asleep under the lawnmower?” He never spoke to me again. That’s why I
don’t want friends, because they might say something like that to
me.

Reason #3: TECHNOLOGY TRMPS FRIENDSHIP. Thanks to modern technology,
“friendship” is unnecessary and old-timey! I can collect “friends” on
Facebook, brag to these “friends” about my exploits on MySpace, and be
bored to death by my “friends'” activities on Twitter. AND I NEVER HAVE
TO ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH ANY OF THEM! It’s like having imaginary
friends, without the inconvenience of being confined to a mental
facility.

Reason #4: FRIENDS RARELY ACT LIKE THEY DO ON ENTOURAGE. (By
the way, Entourage returns with a brand new season this Sunday
on HBO at 10 pm, if you care. I don’t.) You know, I tried putting
together an entourage once. Disaster. I won’t go into detail,
but let’s just say if you’re looking for an entourage, try something
other than the “Casual Encounters” section on Craigslist.

Reason #5: I’M KIND OF A DICK. For reasons I can’t quite explain,
people are wary of striking up friendships with someone who classifies
himself as “kind of a dick.” I tend to be festive—but cruel. Girl
and boyfriends are unsafe in my presence. While I enjoy
borrowing money, returning it isn’t a priority. However,
there are those who can make this “kind of a dick” thing work. For
example, check out the debut of a new laff-fest on Comedy Central
entitled Michael & Michael Have Issues (Wednesday, 10:30
pm). It’s a sketch comedy show starring the legitimately hilarious
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter as two friends who star in a
sketch comedy show. Aaaand they’re both kind of dicks. I suppose I
could try to be their friend… but I kind of hate people who are
dicks.

And finally, reason #6: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK. A
great reason not to have friends.