I Love Television™

IF YOU’RE ANYTHING like me, you’re currently in “a lot of
trouble.” In fact, “a lot of trouble” is usually my normal state of
being. For example, I’m currently in a lot of trouble for a number of
reasons, which include, but are not limited to: (1) drag racing, (2)
bear baiting, (3) wife/girlfriend stealing, (4) boyfriend/husband
stealing, (5) staging unauthorized nude gladiator battles, (6)
art theft, (7) statutory flirting (emphasis on “flirting”), (8) lewd
and lascivious behavior (use your imagination), (9) fight clubbing, and
(10) driving/skateboarding/biking/riding-in-a-shopping-cart under the
influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

However! If you’re in “a lot of trouble” as much as I am, then you
already know the number-one defense to employ, which surprisingly works
at least half the time: the “I DIDN’T KNOW” defense.

“Mr. Humpy, kidnapping chimpanzees from the zoo is illegal in this
state.” Really? I DIDN’T KNOW. “Mr. Humpy, driving a dune buggy through
a national park while hunting humans with a crossbow violates several
federal statutes.” No way. Are you sure? I DIDN’T KNOW. “Mr. Humpy,
it’s illegal to practice law without a license!” I object, your honor!
On the grounds of I DIDN’T KNOW.

The I DIDN’T KNOW excuse is especially useful to the women featured
in I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (TLC, Wed, 8 pm)—a
new show that recounts the stories of women who, for one reason or
another, didn’t know they were knocked up until a baby came flying out
of their vaginal slip ‘n’ slide.

Now, as you know, I’ve impregnated a lot of people. And not
to brag, but when I impregnate somebody, they KNOW they’ve been
impregnated. Because I impregnate the shit out of them. However,
the ladies on this show were apparently impregnated by a lesser man
than I, because they claim to be COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to their sudden
weight gain, spontaneous vomiting, and the living entity inside
their tummies kicking the crap out of their ribcage.

Nevertheless, there are two reasons I love I Didn’t Know I Was
Pregnant: (1) The bullpoopy reasons these women give for not
knowing they were preggo and (2) the “dramatic re-creations” in which
the victims waddle around for nine months not having their periods and
then rush to the hospital where they’re shocked to find a gurgling baby
head sticking out of their coochie.

Now, okay, I suppose it’s possible that a woman could go
through months of prenatal torment and not realize a bun was baking in
her oven (like maybe if she were in a coma or Amish). But this isn’t
the occasional comatose Amish gal we’re talking about—this is
an ENTIRE TV SEASON of pregnant Amish girls in comas! Therefore, with
the evidence in front of us, we have no choice but to suspect that
every woman reading this column right now could unknowingly be
pregnant! Even worse, one could also reasonably suspect that my
sperm has somehow been sneaking into my column, onto the printed page,
and then hopping off to gangbang your ovaries. If this is what you
believe, then, madam, I can utter only one defense: I DIDN’T KNOW!!