My fellow Americans: We have a serious and potentially
life-threatening problem facing our nation this week. Shockingly, the
president of the United States has scheduled his State of the Union
address to directly conflict with not one, but TWO of my fave new
shows! First, there’s American Gladiators (a show which has
already been proven—by ME in last week’s column—to be even
more awesome than a handjob). Then there’s Terminator: The Sarah
Connor Chronicles (which needs no defense, because robots are
automatically more awesome than handjobs… unless we’re talking about
those stupid vacuum-cleaner robots, in which case, I’ll take the
handjob).
So, here’s my question to President Bush: “Why are you such a
blithering MORON?” Isn’t the point of these stupid “State of the Union”
addresses to convince Americans that you actually know what you’re
doing?? Am I not correct in assuming that, at this point in your
career, you need all the support you can get? You’ve practically
destroyed American credibility across the globe with your idiotic
cowboy antics, and now you want to further alienate yourself
from the public by horning in on time that was CLEARLY set aside for
gladiators and murderous robots? To put it bluntly, Mr. President…
ARE YOU INSANE?!?
Mr. President, did you not SEE that amazing episode of American
Gladiators where that one chick was playing Powerball (where the
gladiators shoot cannons at the contestants), and she hit gladiator
Hellga’s target dead center, sending the Aryan hottie blasting 50 feet
into the sky and then dropping her into the arena’s swimming pool? I
sincerely doubt your State of the Union will contain anything quite as
awesome as that. In fact, unless you’ve secretly captured Osama bin
Laden and plan on catapulting him 50 feet into the air—then you
may want to reconsider the wisdom of scheduling your DUMBASS speech at
this particular time!!
And Mr. President! Have you not been WATCHING Terminator: The
Sarah Connor Chronicles? Your constituents have! In fact, this
action-packed Terminator spin-off scored the highest-rated
scripted broadcast debut in three years, and is even MORE
popular than Gladiators (if that’s possible). Why is it so
popular? Hmmm… well, let’s think about that for a minute. Could it be
because TTSCC has crazy rampaging robots chasing a dude and two
totally hot chicks (one of whom is a hot robot) all around the country?
And these hot chicks are constantly shooting big sexy guns, and
chopping the heads off evil robots? Bearing that in mind, what is it
then that YOU, Mr. President, want to talk to us about? Temporary tax
cuts? “Staying the course in Iraq”? Mmmm… WE THINK WE’RE GONNA
PASS. In fact, we’ve decided we like our NEW course much
better—the one where we follow a hot chick and lop off the heads
of some evil future robots! BOO-YAH!
So in conclusion, Mr. President: Until you have something other than
half-ass excuses and lies to share with the country, we would much
rather watch steroid-addled beefcakes being catapulted into a pool, and
red-eyed killer robots from the future. Both have more credibility than
YOU.
