Okay, Willamette Week. You want to do this? Let’s do this.
• Westeros is a monarchy, not a democracy. Guess why Varys is a eunuch? HE ONCE SAID THE WORD “ELECTION.”
• Endorsing Charlie Hales as Hand of the King? Putting aside the goddamn fact that the Hand of the King position is not equivalent to mayor (for, as motherfucking everyone knows, “The king eats, and the Hand takes the shit”), there’s a more pressing issue here: DOES THIS COVER CONSTITUTE A DEATH THREAT TO CHARLIE HALES?!
• WHY IS CHARLIE HALES’ HEAD SO BIG? Theory! Before the cover went to press, a secret code was taken from the back of an old Electronic Gaming Monthly and entered into the production computer, thus activating NBA Jam‘s big-head mode. Except they had to enter the code twice because Aaron Mesh tripped on the controller cord and they had to restart everything 🙁
• I mean did they even think about using Joffrey or Robert Baratheon? Someone who would’ve made sense, as opposed to the goddamn Hand of the King? Maybe they would’ve used a Joffrey “photo collage” if they endorsed Jofferson Smith, am I right?
• Ugh, that Jofferson Smith thing was stupid, I’m sorry, I’M SO ANGRY I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT
• Clearly there’s a missed opportunity here in terms of house sigils and mottos but SIGH
• Wait. Am I forgetting the king in Game of Thrones who abdicated the Iron Throne and moved North of the Wall in order to duck out of paying taxes for five years?
• Look I know I said I was just going to talk about the cover, but on the inside they made Eileen Brady into a giant-headed Brienne of Tarth? I’m an idiot and even I know not to compare a woman to someone whose only traits are “has a vagina,” “fights a lot,” and “is hideously ugly.” (BONUS TERRIBLE COMPARISON: Making Mayor Sam Adams into a tow-headed Renly Baratheon, a character whose only traits are “gay,” “gay,” and “gay.”)
• For real, Eileen Brady-as-Cersei Lannister just seems super obvious.
• “The race pits former U.S. Attorney Dwight Holton against former Oregon Court of Appeals Judge Ellen Rosenblum, who is married to the publisher and co-owner of this newspaper, Richard Meeker. This creates an inherent conflict of interest for this newspaper. As a result, WW announced in January that it won’t be writing about this race.” Good call, guys.
• Okay I’m just going to admit I don’t understand what the fuck is even happening
• I suspect the crow represents Steve Novick
Cersei is smart and evil. Brady? Not so much.
I’M SURPRISED THEY DIDN’T PHOTOSHOP RANDY LEONARD’S HEAD ON TO HODOR’S BODY.
Holy shit, did Erik just give himself a stroke?
Quick! Somebody get Erik his inhaler!
WE NEED A DVD OF THE NEXT GENERATION AND A BAG OF FUNYUNS DOWN HERE NOW, DAMMIT!
Not only are these the worst photo-shopping skills I’ve ever seen (after Erik’s of course), but the content doesn’t even make sense. I think this must be dramaticized. The names have been altered to protect the innocent (and because I don’t care enough to look up people who work at the WW).
The Players:
News Editor: Anthony Carpaccio
Sports Editor: The Gladiator, Jean Simmons
Arts and Entertainment Editor: Beverly Crusher
Fashion Editor: Ginny Weasley (the Pekingese, not Harry Potter’s lady friend)
Under Secretary of Vampire Slaying: J. August Richards
Office Robot: Sex Robot
A Boat Cop: Boat Cop
…and introducing Meredith Baxter, an Intern.
WW Editorial Meeting, April 11, 2 PM
The WW conference room is packed with writers and editors, preparing to pitch their content for the upcoming elections. From the state of the room, the meeting has gone on from the morning into the afternoon. Half-eaten turkey sandwiches are strewn across the conference desk, next to boxes of picked over Voodoo Donuts. The editor, Anthony Carpaccio fidgets nervously with his pen…
Anthony: “Okay guys, I admit it, I’m totally out of my fucking depth here.”
Ginny: *Ginny pants and looks disinterested
Jean: “It is only a matter of fighting, for glorious Sparta, in the coliseum. Nothing else matters, my old friend…”
J. August Richards: “As I’m the actor, not the pre-comics character I represent in Angel, I’m not sure why I was selected as Under Secretary of Vampire Slaying. Other than I look great in this muscle shirt.”
Ginny: *continues to look disinterested, actively sleeping
Sex Robot: “Sex Robot, Sex Robot. Sex Robot, Sex Robot.”
Beverly Crusher: “I wish that robot would STOP making that noise. Can someone pass me a hypo?”
Anthony: “We really need to get this meeting back on task…”
Sex Robot: “Sex Robot, Sex Robot. He’s coming to your town…”
Boat Cop: “I’d arrest you if you were on the sea. But as is, I’ll be taking the remainder of these sandwiches and your Courvoisier.”
*Boat Cop exits*
Ginny: *is now eating celery, no one knows where she got it from
Anthony: “I can’t take this anymore…”
*Anthony produces a revolver, in a daze, forgets he has a revolver and jumps out the window. He survives the 1 story drop.*
Sex Robot: “Do you want to get down?”
J. August Richards: “I guess that’s the end of the meeting!”
Beverly Crusher: “Excellent!”
Meredith: “I guess I’ll run these photoshops and slashfic I’d been playing around with…”
Once again the Willy Week gloriously illustrates the enormous gap between their ambition and execution.
Fruit Cup: <3
@5 erik’s nerd snack of choice is actually peanut m&ms, for future joke reference.
Please write more about WW’s decision to “recuse” themselves, which is a misleading claim to begin with. If Rosenbaum wins, what then: does WW just stop covering the attorney general? “Sorry, Dear Readers, but our problems come first.” What a fucking disgrace! Not covering a major arm of government because the publisher is LITERALLY IN BED with an official who wants the job! “Independent and irreverent understanding” indeed. (And you are right: Giving away free advertising certainly fucking seems like an endorsement). If you guys or the O made a move like that, WW would cry fucking murder.
@FC: CoTYEAR
@bonerjams: Huh, I guess really just typed “@bonerjams.” Anyway, moving on: To give WW some credit, I’d be really surprised if that ad space was given away for free. It’s more the placement of it that I got a kick out of.
WELL SURPRISE! I quote from the Jeff Manning’s article “Medical marijuana, Measure 11 emerge as big issues in Oregon race for attorney general candidates Dwight Holton and Ellen Rosenblum” (no link, muh bad):
“Willamette Week has recused itself from covering the AG’s race given Meeker and Rosenblum’s marriage. The paper isn’t charging Rosenblum for the ads. Her campaign finance records indicated a $15,680 payment-in-kind contribution from WW’s parent, City of Roses Newspaper Co.”
Oops! I’d called her Rosenbaum. WHATABONERJAM! Anyway, more reporting/less credit.
I wish you guys had thought of it first too.
The Willy Week is Infuriating and Full of Terrors.
@FC: +1
To continue with Portland figures as GoT characters: Lars Larson should be Craster. He’s filthy, disgusting, sexist, and lives beyond the northern bounds of civilization.
I can’t wait until the Mercury’s Tripods Trilogy-themed endorsement issue.
Shouldn’t they have Novick as Tyrion?
Didn’t realize that WW was so conservative, literally ever one of their endorsements were republicans or the most conservative democrat possible.
I guess they are progressive(ly) conservative?!?
The Republican endorsements are all for Republican primaries…
As Charlie’s campaign manager (yes, I’m outing myself) here’s my confusion: Does this mean he’ll get his head cut off for being honorable? Will I?
I figured Eileen was dressed as Jaime (the gold cloak, and all) – which makes sense since she is in the battle herself, and maybe it would be a bit sexist to make her Cersei (who never fights her own fights).
But, here’s my question: Who is Jefferson dressed as? Is that Theon? Love him or hate him, Jeff-as-Theon is just mean! Renly would actually make a lot of sense for Jeff – he’s loved, he has a big army behind him… but they are the Knights of Summer and might not understand the war. (IMHO)
Anyway, as a total GoT dork, that cover made my day no matter how off it was!
Do you suppose WW is paying royalties (pun intended) for the use of all that GoT imagery? Or is it an exception to copyright, due to “fair use” or some such?
Not being a nerd myself, I have read neither the book(s) or watched the television show, so I won’t comment on the spazfest here. However, rangerhunter; you are seriously a campaign manager for a mayoral candidate? Seriously? Wow. Oh Portland
UPDATE! Here’s Denis’ post “WWeek Publisher Defends Free Ads for Wife’s AG Campaign.” http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/Blogto…
Bud Clark = Maester Aegon? I think that’d make Southwest the North and Beaverton the Others.
Seattle = Braavos?