Welcome back, shitbirds.

• Curious about the state of the newspaper industry? Witness Wm. Steven Humphrey humiliatingly begging for you to attend the Mercury's crappy yard sale. (One thing that won't be for sale? This rose, given to me by the sensually intoxicating Steph Stricklen.)

• Displaying a degree of retard-thusiasm she usually reserves only for cats, Alison Hallett lost her shit about Twilight or something.

• Ned Lannamann offered readers "tips on how to masticate." Note to Mr. Lannamann: Not all of us are as inept at day-to-day activities as you, cretin.

• A barely literate Mercury reader—is there any other kind?—called Courtney Ferguson "Fartley," "Twatley," "Cuntney," "a classless dimwit," a "little wimp," and a "loser." He then encouraged her to "try and pull the cube of butter out of your face and fat ass." I like the cut of this fellow's jib.

• Reporting, as ever, from the cutting edge of culinary news, Tony Perez mumbled something about a soda from the '90s. I fell asleep four words into this post. Keep up the good work, Mr. Perez.

• Judging by his lack of contributions to Blogtown, it appears the suspiciously well-worn brake line of Ezra "Ace" Caraeff's 1986 Chevette has finally, and oh-so-mysteriously, snapped.

• Erik Henriksen took a break from his frantic masturbations about Game of Thrones to report on... something about hobbits. Mr. Henriksen: You are a depressing infant.

• Marjorie Skinner posted pictures of imbeciles at a shoeless fashion show; predictably enough, they were dressed like shoeless imbeciles. "Luckily the no-shoes policy prevented any pain as we stepped all over each other, though sentiment is torn on the models without shoes thing," Ms. Skinner mused. "I personally find it refreshing and unique." I personally would like to see Ms. Skinner walk barefoot across a floor full of rusty barbed wire.

• Sarah Mirk took a tour of the "Hobo Bellagio." I hope you took more pictures and notes than this flimsy write-up would imply, Ms. Mirk, as it is a far nicer place than any you shall ever reside in.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.