FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
Having finally been evicted from their current offices, the Mercury imbeciles are relocating downtown, where they will no doubt fit right in with that area's proud community of crack-hobos and toddler prostitutes. Godspeed, shitbirds!

• Marjorie Skinner, having accidentally posted something moderately amusing, quickly compensated by uploading an endless series of photographs showing people dressed like idiots.

• Using all of his meager brain power, office alcoholic Ezra "Ace" Caraeff invented a half-assed drinking game. In related news, no amount of booze could ever, nor will ever, drown the self-loathing that causes Mr. Caraeff to begin and end each of his pathetic days with a sobbing fit.

• Rather than actually improving his sad excuse for a newspaper, Wm. Steven Humphrey giddily joined Mr. Caraeff's shenanigans, wasting an entire afternoon by blogging his consumption of a single bottle of Colt 45's malt liquor Blast. Yes, you read that correctly: A single bottle. NUT UP, YOU INEPT PANSY.

• Doing his best to suck any and all interest out of a formerly interesting news story, Denis C. Theriault refused to shut up about the study that showed a lot of Portland landlords are racists.

• That sap Sarah Mirk got annoyingly sentimental about the Mercury's old neighborhood. Here's a news tip, Ms. Mirk: Your old neighbors are throwing a party tonight to celebrate your absence. Guess who isn't invited?

• Impoverished weekly newspaper music writer Ned Lannamann informed multimillionaire Dan Aykroyd he's "bad at business." Mr. Aykroyd has saved New York City from supernatural terrorists not once but twice, Mr. Lannamann; you, on the other hand, have never done jack shit for anyone, ever. Shut the fuck up.

• Despite the threat of wedgies and swirlies, Erik Henriksen still refuses to talk about anything that is not related to Game of Thrones. This week he masturbated to the show's opening credits; next week, expect a detailed report on what he discovered in the show's caterers' garbage.

• Two of the Mercury's most grating young fillies, Courtney Ferguson and Alison Hallett, couldn't be bothered to dredge up a single worthwhile post between them. Do the new Mercury offices have a shed? Ms. Ferguson and Ms. Hallett should be lured behind it with sugar cubes and then they should be shot.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.