Man, it’s been so hot lately! I’m gonna text some bros, pop some brews, and float the Sandy River! Whoooo!—Dan Wright, 36,NE Portland

Fantastic plan, you fucking fuckface! By all means, round up your numbnut buddies, get blackout drunk, and meddle with lethal forces of nature your pothead brain can’t possibly comprehend! I was going to say it’d be an ecological disaster when your pasty, booze-bloated corpse ends up rotting on the bottom of the Sandy—but then I remembered that thanks to shit-for-brains jagoffs like you, the Sandy’s already 90 percent urine and 10 percent fuck-up. Bon voyage, imbecile!—Frank Cassano

My parents are visiting! So maybe I’ll take them to the Japanese Garden or Saturday Market? They’d like those, right? If anyone’s got any other “parent tips,” I’d love to hear them lol!—Alexis Preston, 30, SE Portland

Here’s a “parent tip”: Invent a time machine, go back to when your mouth-breather of a father first saw your butterface of a mother, and strangle every last goddamn bit of breath out of them. Not only will you instantly blink out of existence, you’ll also never ruin the Japanese Garden with your braying screech of a laugh or your moronic, sub-literate ramblings! If, as I suspect, you prove too stupid of an imbecile to build a time machine, rest assured we’ll all be rooting for a junkie to “sell you a shiv” at Saturday Market. Lol!—Frank Cassano

I think I’m going to take it easy—maybe play some video games, maybe get some ice cream? Been a while since I gave myself some time to relax. Gotta love holidays!—Jason Nimoy, 24, Pearl District

No doubt you’re aware, Jason, that in 1887, Oregon was the first state in the Union to make Labor Day an official holiday. Back then, of course, the day was intended to bring attention to the plight of the working man as he waged his never-ending battle against the exploitative bourgeoisie. As I reflect on that era, Jason, I imagine those brave, proud laborers would be fucking ecstatic to know that in 2016, their suffering became an excuse for limp-dicked millennials like yourself to jack off onto Pikachu. You, you inept, insipid imbecile, are the sole reason modern mankind is a failed experiment floundering in its own reeking vomit. Also, bring me some ice cream! Mint chocolate chip, if they’ve got it!—Frank Cassano