PUCKER UP, MERCURY!
DEAR MERCURY—Today I have my Mercury and you
make me SO happy! You brought back Frank Cassano [New Column! Feb 19]!
Eeeeee!! And Wm. Steven Humphrey giving a beeeyotch slap to the silly
Oscars [I Love Television, Feb 19]! I hate them too, buddy! And my
weekly allotment of news stories and hipster bar ads!! To any
Mercury staffer: I will give you a hug and a kiss (if you are
reasonably good looking) whenever you say!
-Jory Mitchell
CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP
DEAR MERCURY—Enacting the “Idaho Stop Law” in Portland
is ridiculous [“Stop! Ish…” News, Feb 26]. If bicycles are already
“yielding,” what is the problem with a brief, responsible stop? ALL
vehicles on the road should stop at stop signs, and yield
appropriately. Because eventually someone gets careless, cruises
through a stop, and gets creamed by a car that did NOT have a stop
sign. Stop, look, and potentially save a life. I don’t even drive a
car.
-David
ASS U ME
DEAR MERCURY—Last week’s I, Anonymous [“Spanglish
Anguish,” Feb 26], is backward for numerous reasons. The author creates
an imaginary distinction between “us” (English-speaking Americans) and
“them” (English-speaking Mexican Americans), and exacerbates this
divide with phrases such as “they” and “their,” which culminates with
the command “address them in English.” While this argument has
good intentions, it is actually an ironic example of racism
masquerading as its opposite. The author assumes to know what’s
best for “them,” and feels obliged to stand up to protect “them,” to be
“their” voice, while simultaneously perpetuating a generalization about
a group of people who aren’t even involved in this discussion. By
publishing this, the Mercury inadvertently advocates such racist
delusions, which (unfortunately) reflect on the city of Portland as a
whole. The Mercury might take more consideration in the future,
and be less bumblingly idiotic—but whatever.
-Xonar Zionthranki-Yorgin
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Not that we always agree with the
sentiments of our I, Anonymous contributors, but how do you know the
author is one of the English-speaking Americans they are addressing?
They didn’t use the word “us,” or discuss how many languages they
themselves speak, natively or otherwise. But, as you say…
whatever.
STATE OF THE UNION
DEAR MERCURY—I remember when I was about 22, I thought
I’d paid my dues and was getting old. Today I see loudmouths the same
age at bars loudly enlightening us all with whatever their professor
said earlier that sounded smart enough to repeat. That’s where the US
is. We are a young country. The current economic situation is the
equivalent of some suburban spoiled shit having to live in a crappy
apartment with ramen noodles instead of a four-bedroom McMansion with
mommy’s Whole Foods chicken alfredo. Hummers and strip malls are no
different than having to give up Abercrombie for Goodwill. We saw
Communism die and now its smarmy cousin Capitalism’s funeral is
TBA. Time to get to know each other because we’re in this one
together.
-Daniel Blazich
CONGRATULATIONS TO DANIEL for this interesting comparison, which has
our imaginations racing. What will happen when the US is old enough to
drive rental cars? What about when it finds its first gray hair? Things
could get ugly… Daniel gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater
and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, which is totally where the US will have
its first sandwich shaped like a sea creature.