YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—You know, today’s
Saturday, and I first heard about your paper last night. I was
interested in getting some information, but no one’s picking up the
phone. You know, it floors me how many people rely on voicemail. I, for
one, hate voicemail, and I normally don’t leave messages. To me, using
voicemail is like hiding from customers. It’s another way of telling
customers that, “We really don’t want your business.” You know, I think
you might consider having someone there, even on the weekend, to answer
your phone. Because as it is now, I probably won’t be calling back to
find out your rates or anything. See ya.

-Anonymous

ACTING OUT OF OUR UNHAPPINESS

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Hello! I’m reading an
article in your most recent Mercury [One Day at a Time, March
12] by Ann Romano, where she criticizes Detroit. Come on—let’s be
for real. Portland in and of itself probably doesn’t deserve the title
of “Unhappiest City in America,” but to rag on Detroit is one, weak as
hell; secondly, undeserving; and third, you basically need to look at
yourself before you go criticizing another city. I’m from Detroit, and
Detroit, even at its worst condition, has a hell of a lot more going on
for it than Portland. Ann Romano really needs to pull her head out of
her ass and actually go to Detroit and live a real life rather than
sitting back on her fat ass, doing nothing but criticizing the city of
Detroit. Grow up! Please!

-Anonymous

TURF WARS

DEAR PORTLAND—Why do you think this new I-5 bridge is all
about you [Letters to the Editor, March 12]? The existing bridge is
almost 100 years old (paid for by Vancouver), the only interstate lift
bridge still in use in the country, and is woefully inadequate for all
the people who need to use it. In the future they may be more efficient
or electric, but the personal automobile isn’t going anywhere, which
means there’s going to be a lot more of them. A 12-lane bridge may seem
like a monstrosity at this point, but in 30 or 40 years it will still
be something serving the greater good. Considering the cost of the
bridge will be in the billions, doesn’t that make sense? If it was
built undersized for projected usage and that money had to be spent to
build a new larger bridge down the road, wouldn’t you be angry about
that? Also a larger bridge with light rail and better pedestrian and
bike access will take quite a few cars off the road, and isn’t that
what you want?

Don’t be hatin’ on Vancouver so much—how many of you have even
come across the river to see downtown Vancouver? My wife is an Oregon
native and I’ve lived in P-town for almost 10 years, so it’s
bewildering to us that we now fit under the blanket opinion that
everyone in Portland seems to have about Vancouver. There’s plenty of
dumbasses on both sides of the river—hell, you got Gresham,
should we judge all of you on that? We’re always going to be your dorky
little brother, Portland, so instead of being a dick to us why not
realize that we’re all family and what’s good for the goose is good for
the gander. You may hate the traffic, but I’m pretty certain you
wouldn’t go without the PBRs and smokes that need to use those roads to
get to you. Think hard about what you are really willing to give up to
not have that bridge built and I bet you will be more open about
viewpoints other than your own.

-Stuck in the ‘Tuck

LIKE A ROCK

ERIK [HENRIKSEN]—You wrote: “I am a fan of the Rock. This is
because the Rock is fucking awesome.” [“This Week’s Mercury Film
Section,” March 13, blogtown.portlandmercury.com]
Are you a professional writer paid for his expertise with the English
language? Or a high school freshman writing a note to his best pal
Stevie? I honestly can’t tell.

-Hayden

EXACTLY, HAYDEN! You CAN’T tell, and therein lies the
genius. Thanks for noticing. You win two tickets to the Laurelhurst
Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the soup is also fucking
awesome.