OKAY…WHAT’S YOUR EFFIN’ PROBLEM?

HEY MERCURY: What’s the effin’ deal? Sometimes your magazine sucks,
sometimes it rules. Like “It Burns When I’m Peein’ with Nancy McKeon”? [March
8] I love pee jokes, but that wasn’t remotely funny. Then you print “That’s
Yo Mama by the Dalai Lama” [May 17]–perhaps the most gut-busting thing I’ve
read in my whole life, and put most humor rags to shame. Is your editor a schizophrenic?
Oh, and by the way, I hear Benicio can’t maintain an erection can you confirm
or deny?

Al Pacino

The Mercury responds: For an explanation of our effin’ problem, see “A Note
from the Editor” on page 5. And trust us on this one: Benicio can maintain an
erection.

I HAVE TWO TESTICLES

TO ANN ROMANO: You say Tom Green has only one testicle [“One Day at a Time,”
May 24]. Do you know this for a fact? Maybe you should say “one functioning
testicle,” or “one organic testicle.” I, myself, have two testicles. The one
on my right is the testicle I started with, while the other is a silicone implant
installed seven years ago. Yet do I say, “I had the ball (denote singular) to
run outta there…” or I feel bally instead of ballsy? NO! I have two balls,
and maybe Tom Green has two balls. Please, refrain from picking on us uni-organic
testicled men. It’s hard enough on us already.

The Fucking Mutant

UH, OH… SOMEBODY GOT THEIR FIRST BAD REVIEW

DEAR MERCURY: The review of my band Pinehurst Kids’ latest record proved to
be as inept, insipid, and incompetent as I have come to expect [CD Review, May
24]. Let it be noted I knew you would never like anything my band did because
we were here first, which means you couldn’t pretend to be the first ones there,
and thus you can’t be taking credit for telling everybody how fucking amazing
your boyfriend’s band is. [Editor’s note: Joe’s referring to Julianne Shepherd,
when in fact, the author of the review was Jamie S. Rich.] It should also
be noted that track 10 is called “Shepherd to Lost Sheep.” Is it any coincidence
the Mercury has someone on staff with the same surname?

HELL NO! We wrote and recorded the song before you ever bothered to waste ink on yet another band you despise. I won’t even grace the Buffy references except to say at least one of my songs has been featured on the show. And if you actually have the balls to print this, I probably won’t be able to read your self-effacing and shit-eating response because I’ll be on a nationwide tour with my “shitty” band.

Joe Davis
Pinehurst Kids

The Mercury responds: Don’t leave town yet, Joe! You can
pick up this week’s Mercury at Berbati’s, where you’ll be celebrating your CD’s release on Thurs, May
31!


THRILL-VILLE LESS THAN THRILLED

TO THE EDITOR: After reading your article about Thrill-Ville USA, I am livid
[Travel Issue, May 17]. It makes it look like a cheap roadside dump, with two
rides and beer for sale. The author, Mykle Hansen, has done little if no research,
and his story is filled with un-truths.

For starters, Thrill-Ville has never sold beer; there is no 7-11 on the premises. The article says the park is almost never open, when we are open all summer long.

The chipped concrete animals Mykle speaks of are in fact fiberglass animals that are a part of our mini-golf course and not in a “zoo.” As for Enchanted Forest posting they are not connected to our park and the feeling being mutual; we are happy to have them as our neighbor, and have a good working relationship with the owners.

His statement about bringing hookers to our park really did it for me. How dare he assume we would condone this sort of aberrant behavior at our park?

I encourage you to visit and see for yourself that Thrill-Ville USA is a family-oriented park, with rides, waterslides, picnic areas, and a great wholesome atmosphere–quite the opposite of what the article says.

Ed Roberts
Operations Manager

Mykle Hansen responds: While I often use exaggeration
for comic effect, sadly, my exaggerations got out of hand. I’m very sorry if
I offended you, or sullied the name of your fine park. Meanwhile, I encourage
all Mercury readers to visit THRILL-VILLE for themselves.

DEPT. OF CONGRATULATIONS!

Congratulations to the Mercury‘s Katia Dunn for winning the Golden
Quill Award for her September 7 story entitled “Bigotry Badge.” And while
the thought of the Mercury winning anything other than the occasional
scratch ticket strikes us as extremely weird, we are nonetheless proud as shit
for Katia!