NOTE TO OUR READERS
From the Editor: If you sent in a letter
this week that bounced back to you as “undeliverable,” here’s the reason: Our
email system crapped the bed. Though we may be currently letterless, our email
is now up and running again, and we look forward to as many vindictive, bile-filled
letters as you care to send us. In the meantime, please enjoy these letters from
magazines we found laying around the office.

I WILL MARRY ‘N SYNC
TO 16 MAGAZINE: [Originally printed October
2000] I love ‘N Sync so much! They are the #1 group, and they rock. No one else
stands a chance. I have every poster and picture ever printed on ‘N Sync, even
ones from Europe. I have all their CDs, and every time I get depressed, I listen
to their songs to lift my spirits.

J.C., you have one awesome voice that is so totally amazing, I want to cry because it’s so beautiful. You are the one I’m going to marry, so wait for me! I love you so much!

Kara T. • Columbia, SC

CHESS NOVICES IGNORED!
TO CHESS LIFE MAGAZINE: [Originally printed August 2001] Patiently I
wait every month to see if Chess Life has an article for the novice.
All the articles are still for the advanced players, with difficult annotated
games. Why do we have to look elsewhere to find help? Chess Life should
be for all players–novice and advanced. Magazines like Bowling, Tennis,
Golf, etc., all have articles starting with the basics so you can improve.
It seems to me Chess Life is saying, “We can’t be bothered with articles
for the novice, the better players wouldn’t like it, because they want to be
in a class by themselves.” The part I feel bad about is that Chess Life doesn’t want to help.

Joe Koenig • Lodi, NJ

CONFESSIONS OF A DOPE ADDICT
TO SAGA, MAGAZINE FOR MEN: [Originally
printed September 1964] I read with a great deal of interest the article “Give
Addicts Their Dope?” This touches me in a highly personal way, as I am an addict
myself. However, I am not a stereotyped version. I do not associate with addicts,
I have never (yet) stolen or otherwise committed a serious crime, and I have
a wife and two children whom I support. I have never used heroin or marijuana
and wouldn’t even know what they look like. My use has been confined to “drugstore”
narcotics–morphine, dilaudid, pantopon, laudanum, dolophine, and even at times
paregoric.

I am faced continually with the problem of where and how to obtain my drugs. As long as I have an adequate supply of drugs, I continue to work a full day, every day, every week. I have had only one brush with the law because of my addiction, but I might say that I have no use whatsoever for the way the law treats an addict. The laws concerning narcotics addiction are not only stupid and bestial, they are not solving the problem.

I know that if I had an assured supply of narcotics at a reasonable price, I could work and carry on an otherwise normal life and keep my family together. I say this not in self-pity, but as a statement of fact.

Name withheld by request

CARNIE WILSON: BIG, FAT FAKE
TO US WEEKLY MAGAZINE: [Originally
printed July 2002] You praise Carnie Wilson for being a “champion weight-loser.”
When did risking your health to lose weight become a heroic thing? Had Carnie
lost the weight by old-fashioned diet and exercise, I would applaud her. But
in my opinion, she’s just a champion-weight loser.

Rebecca Jenkins • Clayton, DE

AND NOW, THE BEST LETTER EVER WRITTEN TO ANY MAGAZINE

TO FACES HEAVY METAL MAGAZINE: [Originally printed June 1992] I am
sick and tired of everyone coming down on Guns N’ Roses; what are they guilty
of, except the fact that they kick too much ass? Is that a crime? In fact, Guns
N’ Roses kick so much ass that after their shows they have to sift through the
ass fragments to search for survivors! I think maybe all of these so-called
“rock journalists” should stop being so jealous of their success and just let
Guns N’ Roses keep kickin’ ass!

D. Dunlavy • Atlanta, GA

CONGRATS TO D. DUNLAVY for writing the Mercury “Letter of the Week!” However,
since his whereabouts are currently unknown, we will give away his prize (a
full series pass to the Summer Movie Megathon, see pg 28 for details) to one
lucky winner this Friday night at the Guild Theatre’s screening of the patriotic
classic, Air Force One. Send in your letters and you could be our next
winner! (And this time we promise our email will work at least we think we promise.)