[Read all of the articles in our Love/Sex issue HERE! Looking for a print copy? Look at this handy-dandy map!—eds.]

Horniness (horny) is like Newton’s Third Law of Motion (not horny): For every thing that’s horny, there’s an equal and opposite thing that isn’t. 

Food is not my kink—particularly after my fateful attendance at the 2006 taping of Jerry Springer’s “Pies and Fat People” episode. But I do think there’s the chance for a nibble to be an amuse bouche for sexy time, while other foods are just straight-up boner killers.

As you prepare for this season’s screwing, I posit a few options to set the mood, and other moves to avoid:

Gelato scoop at Pinolo Gelato: HORNY

Gelato is denser, richer, and thicker than ice cream, making every succulent tongue swish over the top of a cone whilst locking eyes with your lover all the more sensuous. One of the classic flavors is Fior di Latte, or “flower of milk,” for chrissake! Especially if you’ve seen Babygirl, that is SO HORNY. 

3707 SE Division, pinologelato.com

Sushi: NOT HORNY

Don’t be fooled by portrayals of eating sushi off a naked woman (ewwwwww), or its frequent presence on first date reality TV. If you’re eating sushi right, you’re shoving a whole piece into your maw like Kirby in Dream Land. If you’re eating it wrong, you’re trying to bite each piece into two parts, resulting in everything falling apart, and you looking like a dork. Don’t do it.

Oysters at OK Omens: HORNY

Oysters, on the other hand, are the perfect raw seafood to ingest. Besides being a known aphrodisiac, I have a theory, developed through much scientific method and personal testing (WINK), that if a person doesn’t like to slurp a fresh Netarts bivalve, they’re not gonna relish slurping up YOU. Plus, OK Omens has $1 oyster happy hour from 5 pm to 6 pm from Tuesday to Saturday.  

1758 SE Hawthorne, okomens.com

Ribs: NOT HORNY

Despite the presence of a hard bone, the primal biting, the sticky sauce, and the finger sucking involved in ribs is just too… well, hmmm. Shoot, maybe ribs are horny. 

Ribs: HORNY?

There’s a hard bone, lots of sticky sauce, primal biting, and finger sucking. If that’s your thing, then ribs are indeed horny! Try the slow smoked and sauced ones at Bark City BBQ. Report back.

4727 SE Woodstock, barkcitybbq.com

Well Done Steak Covered in Ketchup: NOT HORNY

This is reportedly Donald Trump’s favorite meal. He is the least sexy man to ever live, and this dogshit excuse for cuisine makes me extremely sad that a cow, and even tomatoes, had to die for this nonsense.

The Turkey Sandwich Sally Orgasmed to in When Harry Met Sally: HORNY

Pastrami Eaten Mid-Intercourse like George Costanza: NOT HORNY

I guess anything can go between two slices of bread, which really symbolize two sheets when you think about it? (I got a B in literature; go easy on me.) 

First, Meg Ryan’s Sally Albright slaps around ingredients on her plain turkey sandwich at Katz’s Delicatessen in New York as she explains to Harry that women can indeed fake orgasms. Her iconic moans while her sandwich lays prostrate on the plate make the joke, “I’ll have what she’s having,” still funny 35 years later. V horny. 

Poor George Costanza tries to sneak bites of his pastrami on rye with spicy mustard while engaged in coitus with his partner in Seinfeld, and gets caught in the act. He flew too close to the sun on the wings of pastrami. 

Get your own sexy plant-based deli sammies at Ben and Esther’s Vegan Delicatessen.

1800 NE Alberta, benandesthers.com

Vale La Peña at Libre: HORNY

I could have picked chocolate covered strawberries here, but strawberries aren’t in season, and we’re more ambitious than that. Instead, take your object of affection to Libre. It’s a grown-ass place for some pre-fuck funking. Always on the menu is chef/owner Gabriella Gonzalez Martinez’s signature: The Vale La Peña, or “It’s Worth It,” made with mole creme brulee, bone marrow caramel ice cream, and a Valrhona chocolate tuille. It’s adventurous, a little spicy, and very rich. Aye, papi.

2601 SE Clinton, librepdx.com

Whipped Cream Bikini: NOT HORNY

Ali Larter made her career wearing a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues in 1999. The thought of all the milk product and vaginal fluids going warm and stale in the Texas air have haunted me since. Thank u, next.

Lady Gaga’s Raw Beef Dress: HORNY

In 2010, however, Lady Gaga got food-as-couture right when she wore an all raw meat dress to the MTV Video Music Awards. Not for the male gaze, but for our yearning for beef cuts. A meat hat and meat boots? This is a lady who takes care of all the sexy details in bed. PLUS, you could totally cook the germs off the meat afterward. Find your finest steaks at Gartner’s Meats–and maybe strategically drape a couple of ribeyes of your own?

7450 NE Lombard, gartnersmeats.com

Mayonegg: NOT HORNY

Arrested Development almost ruined hard boiled eggs for me, a cornerstone of my morning diet. But the way George Michael describes the way his girlfriend, Anne, eats what she calls a “Mayonegg” is truly upsetting. She takes a little pack of mayonnaise, squirts it into her mouth, and then puts a hard boiled egg in there and chews. No salt?! Using your mouth as a mayo ramekin while the egg is inserted whole? Makes me go drier than the Sahara. 

Their genitals: HORNY

When in doubt about what to consume, try each other (but not in a weird allegedly Armie Hammer cannibal way–ALLEGEDLY). Sure we call it eating someone out, but keep that shit behind closed doors and dine in. Do that at your house, or at least out of my eyesight, you perverts.