Hey, Blogtown! I’m Lorna Perry, the Mercury‘s newest-of-new news intern. Hi! As I get to know Portland better, you’ll see my name a lot ’round these parts.
But, in the meantime:
It’s Valentine’s Day! A day when large amounts of chocolate get consumed, and roses get sniffed. Restaurants run out of two-tops, and Hallmark meets quotas. And it’s also The End. For six solid weeks now, we as consumers have been besieged with lots and lots of Valentine’s Day-themed stuff for sale. Things like stuffed animals, and things that are red, and heart-shaped things, and stuffed animals holding red hearts, and K-Mart diamond commercials.
So it was with heart-shaped visions in mind that I set about Portland looking for the best Valentine’s Day booty I could find. And De Beer’s be damned, I really managed to score.
xoxox And by score, I mean three pounds of chocolate luv. xoxox
Before I get to the chocolate, let me tell you more about my fantastic greeting card.
Gigantic, 2×2 ft greeting card (Plaid Pantry, 23rd and Glisan, $6)
This gem wishes me a “Happy Valentine’s Day” and features a strolling koala bear that’s surrounded by pastel-colored hearts and is hugging a humongous candy heart to its chest. The inscription on the inside tells me that lots of love and a great big hug are being sent my way. I sign, hug, and send.
I thought the card was tits, only to be rivaled by this:
Gigantic, three-pound milk chocolate heart (Grocery Outlet, 72nd and Flavel, $15.99).
Three pounds of solid milk chocolate? Milk chocolate served up in three massive, heart-shaped pounds? Is three pounds of chocolate enough to choke a koala bear?
Count me in!
Count me out.
Attempts to eat resulted in lockjaw, chocolate-covered face/hands/couch and muddying the thing up with lots and lots of grubby, disgustingly smeary fingerprints. Jagged bite marks now mar the heart’s formerly smooth, rounded shape.
My dog, however, is unfazed and manages to get a few open-mouthed swipes at it before I give up.
Final outcome: Heart is totally inedible. Disgusting, disfigured three-pound chocolate heart is now stored in garage, to be used as a lawn stepping-stone come spring. The card is a real keeper though, and resides safely on the mantel.
Nice. Intern trolling the dog lovers. Well played.
Did the Merc give you a budget for this or are you paying out of pocket?
I saw a dude on the bus this morning with a gigantic cellophane-wrapped basket filled with a bear and chocolate and flowers and stuff. The bear reminded me of that huge stuffed bear that hangs out in the limo in Die Hard. The bigger the better!
Maybe you can melt that chocolate down, and then dip things in it.
Welcome!
You said “I thought the card was tits,” and I almost started to ask if tits were “good” or “bad.”
Breaking: TITS ARE AWESOME.
Don’t eat that chocolate, get fat, and then fight a blog war against Humphrey. His heart can’t take it. Liver either.
No dog trolling going on. It is Hershey chocolate and a pit bull so no chance of dog brain damage.
He can eat the whole damn Milk Chocolate thing, 48 ounces. Mild signs of toxicity can occur when 0.7 ounces per pound of body weight is ingested. Severe signs occur when 2 ounces per pound of body weight is ingested.
The too much sugar will cause obesity, dental problems, and diabetes just like owners of fat dogs.
Wow, Rosy, I’m impressed. That’s a heck of a display of knowledge. It’s funny, the image. Most dog owners I know go spastic when their dogs get close to chocolate.
Tits or GTFO (sorry, someone said tits, couldn’t help it)
I could give two shakes about this article. The writing, on the other hand, is making me haz a sad. My English major heart just broke a little this V.Day.
@Robocat At first, I thought the weird syntax was part of the gag. After reading it a second time though…
Then again, I is a history major. But, in the meantime: http://www.flickr.com/photos/eyewindows/54…
@Super,
Of course it’s part of the gag; ‘I am sad’ or ‘this is saddening to me’ just isn’t the same 😉
PS
Love teh kitteh pictoor.