Yes, perhaps some of you consider this another song in the “stalker oeuvre”—but I would argue that the line, “He can’t stop me/from having daydreams/tonguing you down with UNGH! vanilla ice cream” is perhaps the most romantic thing ever uttered. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, LL Cool J. Happy Valentine’s Day… to everyone.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)