NO, Greek news anchor! Not over your left shoulder! Over your RIGHT shoulder! Just turn around, and… NO! Don’t look down, look UP! Look at the monitor! THE MONITOR DIRECTLY BEHIND YOUR RIGHT SHOU—oh, fucking forget it.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)